OMG

This weeks totally sucks.. I was refering to my grades actually.. Sigh.. The process of running a restaurant no doubt is fun, excluding the time when the business is real slow.

I'm sleeping earlier and earlier each day yet I felt more and more tired each day.. But that doesn't answer my question about why I'm doing so badly in school. And I really tried my best.. There're times when I did something wrong, but there're also times when it really isn't my fault!!! AHHHH!

I'm really going bonkers.

If tomorrow anything unlucky happen again, I can forget about my grades already. SOBS.

T.T I think I'm blacklisted already. Oh my goodness!

sealed with a tear drop

I never really pay attention to the lyrics of this song till now.. Yeah, I know what's this whole song is about but I can't remember the last time I actually read the lyrics..

Crying girl - westlife

She only cried every other Tuesday night
She is a crying shame, she could had done something right
In this little town everybody knows her name
Now she's flown away the town will never be the same
Oh oh

Her eulogy read that
This is the home
Yeah yeah
Of Jessie James
A.K.A.

The crying girl (the crying girl)
The crying girl (the crying girl)
She's the crying girl (the crying girl)
Little crying girl (the crying girl)

People in the street, crying cos she lost her life
All the spirits gone, finished up by the night
Ye-yeah
In this state of mind everybody makes mistakes
Yeah
But it's ignorance that let you have your life to take

What nobody knows
She was my girl
Yes, I am the one
Who fell in love

With the crying girl (with the crying girl)
The crying girl (the crying girl)
She's the crying girl (with the crying girl)
Little crying girl (the crying girl)

Nobody knows her, nobody loves her now

Nobody knows, nobody knows
The crying girl

Nobody knows her, nobody loves her now
Nobody knows, nobody knows
The crying girl

Nobody knows her, nobody loves her now

Nobody knows, nobody knows
The crying girl 

Quite a sad song.. Sigh.. Getting more and more emo each day.. What happen with me?

All these things are driving me nuts.. Luckily I have some leftovers from yesterday..

IF

If a picture paints a thousand words, its quite obvious what this paints right?

This portrays my mood perfectly.. Heavy rain, with strong wind blowing, and the whole sky is dark and grey.. What a typical my type of day..

Sigh..

I'm going to keep everything in a bottle and hide it away..

You don't know - Westlife
Oh yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah
Nobody knows me
Yet everyone knows my name
Some people judge me
Not knowing that I'm the same
Thanks for the offer
But I keep my old friends always
But then I get lonely
Counting the endless days
Are you here for me at all?
Do you care for me at all?
Well, this time now I know
I ain't standing alone no more
Cos all I want is love
Someone who can share the pain I feel
And the eyes that stare
Won't stare at me no more
Cos all I need is time
Time for me to open up and show
The person I am
The person you think you know
You don't know
You don't know
Some heartfelt emotion
Creeping from deep inside
Cause being this person
Is all I've got left to hide
Were you here from me at all?
Did you care for me at all?
Last time I was told
I ain't standing alone no more
All I need is love
Someone who can share the pain I feel
And the eyes that stare
Won't stare at me no more
And all I need is time
Time for me to open up and show
The person I am
The person you don't know
You don't know
You don't know
You don't know...

emo

Today's just like another other day I had recently, I just felt like crying.. If only there's a place where I can hide and just let it go.. If crying can make me feel better, I think I'll do that..

I wish I don't have to go through these every single day..

It seems like every questions that I asked everybody is a stupid question when they said that there's no such thing as a stupid question.. How irony.. But this is what you answered me. Can't you see how much I need to hear that from you? There's so many things that I want you know.. If it takes you forever, I want you to know..

Save you - simple plan

Take a breath
I pull myself together
Just another step till I reach the door
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you
I wish that I could tell you something
To take it all away

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I won't give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

When I hear your voice
Its drowning in a whisper
It's just skin and bones
There's nothing left to take
And no matter what I do I can't make you feel better
If only I could find the answer
To help me understand

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

That if you fall, stumble down
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall
Oh you know I'll be there for you

(Ahahaha)
If only I could find the answer
To take it all away

Sometimes i wish i could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
(Oh)
I wish I could save you
I want you to know
(Ohohh)
I wish I could save you (oh)

Instead of saving others, I guess I need someone to save me more now.. I feel so helpless..

sian

Tomorrow will be the first day at top table.. Yet my entries stops at 3rd week of baking and pastry.. Dots. That's like 3 weeks ago.. Wonder when I'll ever catch up.. So tired.. Yet can't fall asleep.. There's just too much things on my mind right now..

Oh my goodness.. 14 days. Can I last that long? Sigh..

If only you knew what's on my mind right now..

Things I'll never say..

Day 43

Last day of 2nd week, 2nd day at pastry..

We did our daily routine, slice bread, heat up sauces, prepare equipments, unmould parfait, bring to top table pantry, plate and come back down for mise en place..

Today we made pastry cream! As next week dessert is espresso profiteroles, we have to make the coffee diplomat cream for the profiteroles. We had a extremely good news! Due to all the choux we made yesterday, we had enough to last the whole week! No more choux to pipe^^

Chef T taught us how to make the cream.. Its was a simple process yet tiring for arms as the cream will get thicker and thicker.. Which means it will get heavier.. And I almost burn my cream due to the induction stove.. =.= Oh well. Almost. Phew.

Then we make the coffee extract using coffee powder and water.. WOW. If all extract is made this way, I gonna save lots of money!!! $.$ ka-ching! Haha. Anyway, we can't mixed them together till Monday so the cream is considered done.

After break, we make strawberry shortcake! First we slice the strawberries to the desired size, then we make the cream and have some simple syrup standing by.. We start by cutting the cake into half to create layers.. Then we spread some syrup on it to keep the cake moist.. Next, we spread the cream.. It's very difficult for me -.-" Keep getting it wrong and have the cream on the wrong side of the pallet knife.. Haha. After spreading the cream, put some strawberry and spread more cream.. This is even more difficult than the previous ones.. -.- Then we put the other half of the cake on it and spread cream on the whole cake.. Including the sides.. Then we put some almonds flakes at the sides.. And viola! The cake is finally completed! Yeah~ Then we decorate the cake with chocolate :D Too bad we can't try that.. Aww..

Then after that we make macaroon.. Using meringue.. So fun. But its piping again.. -.- Lucky its not me who is doing the piping.. Haha. Then we bake inside the oven.. And we have food tasting! Yum yum :D

Day 42

First day at pastry side, under chef T ^^

He briefed us on what we'll be doing everyday.. For his side, we'll be producing for the top table dessert and some cake orders..

So the first thing we did is make some sauces.. Dark chocolate sauce and caramel sauce.. Then we slice the bread for upstairs in top table.. Slicing is so fun when you know the right techniques.. Hehe.

Since it's our first day, we went up to show the people upstairs how to plate the parfait and learning how to plate at the same time.. It's the exact same thing that I ate on Tuesday, my dining experience ^^

Chef plated one for us and the service people to see then he told us to make another sample.. It looks a little different from what chef did but is similar.. Hehe. After that we go back to the kitchen to make pate e choux to make profiteroles for next week menu.

The choux is really X.X I sucks at piping.. And today I piped the most things =.= So ugly.. But I managed to get the hang of it after many trays later.. And I didn't use the stencil anymore.. I think I had enough of all that choux. Haha.. And the piping..

Day 41

Early in the morning, we had our test.. It was a written test, we just have to list out the steps so its quite easy.. Since there's only 12 of them :D

After the test, we moved on to the daily production.. I made pound cake! The process is quite fun and messy.. Hehe.. Can't be helped..

So my partner measured out the batter for the cake while I add the streusel to it.. Its a two layered cake! Then we bake off.. Today is the last day at the baking side.. Tomorrow will be switching to pastry! More food!!

I also made some doughnuts.. The doughnut balls and the square ones.. Frying them is a piece of cake! Wanna try them though.. Too bad..

We had some food testing then we went for the daily lecture.. AND we got another homework.. Finding out information on log cakes such as its name.. Haha.. We sure have interesting homework in this course!

Day 40

I think I'll try to forget all my unhappiness by updating on my so long forgotten days in school..

Day 40. 2nd day 2nd week of baking and pastry..

Can't really recall much.. Even though I'm refering to my notebook.. 2 very important things: I having my dining experience at top table with C.L and J. Then we also have a demo on plain biscuits, how to make them using the folding method to create layers and how to plate it..

Since my little experience of the fine? dining starts at 11.30am and the demo of the biscuits end at 11.20am, my little plated biscuits filled with cream, strawberry and something else will being reserved till I'm back..

This week menu consists of:

Appetizer
Mesclun Salad Tossed with Lemon Parsley Vinaigrette Egg Yolk And Chapon
OR
Soup
Onion Soup Gratineé

Main Course
Braised Veal Cheek in Madeira Sauce with
Whipped Potato & Roasted Root Vegetable
OR
Pan Seared Cod with Ratatouille, Beurre Blanc and Pilaf Rice

Dessert of the Day
Hazelnut Nougatine Parfait Served with Apricot Vanilla Compote

I had the onion soup, pan seared cod and mocktail of the day, the dessert and english breakfast tea.. As I have prepared some of the dishes before like the onion soup, parfait etc, I have an idea of how they taste like..

The food are good, but the service is a little unstable.. But who can blame them? The service staff are only here once a week unlike us who are in the kitchen every single day.. Okay, I shall now evaluate the food better.. Haha.

Just like any other fine dining restaurant, bread are served before the start of a meal.. The bread are made by us, the baking and pastry people.. Haha. Foccacia is nice, I like the taste.. Its a savory bread with onions and some other ingredients on top of the bread.. Kinda taste like pizza.. Actually all bread are good, the only thing I don't like about them is that its cold.. When it supposed to be at least warm..

Amuse bouche for the day is vichychoise, which is also known as the potato and leek (cold soup). I've tried this during the buffet we had the other time and I don't really like the taste but this time round, the flavour is very good. I can really taste the potato and the leeks, yeah I know its potato and leeks soup but the flavours will tend to be different when its cold compare to hot.

The onion soup however is a little disappointing.. I had fallen in love with onion soup since the first time we made it in the skills camp, so naturally I had a little higher expectation of the soup.. It wasn't seasoned enough and the flavour of the onions didn't come out enough..

The main course, cod was slightly undercooked.. Chef L's is cooked just nice, mine is slightly under then J's is almost raw.. Then he had to reject his to get it done right.. The fish is good with the sauce but my sauce is kinda little so by the time I get to the end of the fish, it didn't taste that well.. The pilaf rice served with the fish required more salt, otherwise it tasted just like any rice? Haha.. Maybe with more butter flavour compared to the usual plain rice..

Parfait, there's only one word to describe it, PERFECT! Simply loved it ^^ It wasn't too sweet, the texture is very smooth and creamy, melts in the mouth.. So sad that the portion is so small.. Well, I bet the chefs will say too much of a good thing is no longer a good thing~ But still.. I WANT MORE!!! Haha.

My tea, I saw the packet says black tea, so i assumed that the tea will turned out to be black.. =.= So silly.. When I add the sachet to the hot water and it didn't turn black, I was a little surprised.. Then chef saw that blank looked on my face and asked, then I realised there's no such thing as a BLACK tea, you know, the tea is black in colour.. Haha.

Did I mention that throughout the whole experience my file, my pen, my hat and everything else that was on my lap kept dropping to the floor? -.-" So irritating.. Anyway, in conclusion, I had a great time at the dining experience, especially since I get to escaped from the canteen food for a change..

When I'm back to the kitchen, I made brownies.. At the end of the day during debrief, we were told that we will be having a test on the 12 steps of bread making.. We also have homework, we have to research on how to make carrot cake, mooncake, history of mooncake etc.. Haha. Then I ate my biscuits :)

just another song

Just another perfect song for my lousy mood..

Be good to me - Ashley Tisdale
Everyday is getting worse
Do the same things and it hurts
I don't know if I should cry
All I know is that I'm tryin'
I wanna believe in you
I wanna believe in you
But you make it so hard to do
What's the point of makin' plans
You break all the ones we had
I don't know where we went wrong
Cuz we used to be so strong
I wanna believe in you
I wanna believe in you
So why can't you be
Be good to me
I don't ask for much
All I want is love
Someone to see
That's all I need
Somebody to be
Somebody to be
Somebody to be
Good to me
Good to me
Can you be good to me
Good to me
Please
I used to think I had it all
Then one day we hit a wall
I had hoped you were the one
Where's my dream, where has it gone
I wanted to be with you
Forever just me and you
So why can't you be
Be good to me
I don't ask for much
All I want is love
Someone to see
That's all I need
Somebody to be
Somebody to be
Somebody to be
Good to me
Good to me
Can you be good to me
Good to me
Please
Where do I go from here
You've gotten under my skin
And I don't know how
To get out of this place that I'm in
I don't ask for much
All I want is love
Someone to see
That's all I need
Somebody to be
Somebody to be
Somebody to be
Good to me
Good to me
Can you be good to me
Good to me
Please
I don't ask for much
All I want is love
Someone to see
That's all I need
Somebody to be
Someone to be
Somebody to be
Good to me
Good to me
Can you be good to me
Good to me
Please

i'm so tired..

Suddenly felt this way.. Maybe it always has been this way.. Just that I didn't realised.. What am I supposed to do now? Everything seems so wrong and I can't do anything to make things better.. I feel so useless.. Maybe I'm really useless.. Can't do things right..

我想我会一直孤单
这一辈子都这么孤单
我想我会一直孤单
这样孤单一辈子
天空越蔚蓝
越怕抬头看
电影越圆满
就越觉得伤感
有越多的时间
就越觉得不安
因为我总是孤单
过着孤单的日子
喜欢的人不出现
出现的人不喜欢
有的爱犹豫不决
还在想他就离开
想过要将就一点
却发现将就更难
于是我学着乐观
过着孤单的日子
当孤单已经变成一种习惯
习惯到我已经不再去想该怎么办
就算心烦意乱
就算没有人作伴
自由和落寞之间怎么换算
我独自走在街上看着天空找不到答案
我没有答案
当孤单已经变成一种习惯
习惯到我已经不再去想该怎么办
就算心烦意乱
就算没有人作伴
自由和落寞之间怎么换算
我独自走在街上看着天空找不到答案
我没有答案
天空越蔚蓝
越怕抬头看
电影越圆满
就越觉得伤感
有越多的时间
就越觉得不安
因为我总是孤单
过着孤单的日子

I no longer have a definite answer.. I was certain before now I'm confused.. What I want and what I need is so simple yet so hard to achieve.. What's so hard about that, I really don't understand.. Maybe I'm just not suitable..

I've lost my smile somewhere.. Can't find it anymore.. Found myself crying to sleep every night.. Since when I've become so emotional? Maybe it's a hint that I just can't decode.. But its kinda obvious.. Why do I feel so low, so empty, so lonely lately..

I have a pair of hands, I'm healthy?, I'm some skills?, at least I know, no matter what, I can still depends on myself.. Even if no one else cared, at least I will care for myself.. And that's a little comforting I guess..

Now I'm becoming emo too.. =.= Sigh.. I might not have the brightest or charming smile, but I really hate to cry.. Sad to say, crying, has become one of my daily routine..

reached the maximum capacity

Last night I dreamed that I fainted then I never wake up anymore.. What a weird dream.. Recently kept having weird dreams.. And it seems so real! I also keep having this tomato dream that when I woke up, I was about to continue what I did in dreamland.. -.-" I must be going insane..

Although I can't feel the stress, but I know I'm really stressed up these few days.. And I'm getting more and more paraniod each day.. Wonder what's wrong with me.. Now my only way to relief stress is food and cooking. I think sooner or later I'll become a ball even though I'm not that kind who will get fat easily.. But who cares? I need some more meat anyway..

I was so depressed lately that today I finally gave in and bought this (see above).. Actually yesterday wanted to buy but the machine refused to gimme my money.. Then I have to contact the customer service to get my money back.. On monday.. =.= I don't like the taste if there's even a taste at all.. Maybe I added too much ice.. Sigh..

Today's work, I can't believe I actually end and leave work the time I was supposed to leave. First time since don't know how long? Seriously need a better pay job..

After a few days of thinking, I think I shouldn't care so much.. Sure, they're important but if I won't hurt so much that caring less might be a wise choice.. I'm soo tired.. I really hope I never make a wrong choice that day.. I don't want to regret.. Don't make me feel that..

Now there's this one song which kind of describes my feeling..

Leave out all the rest - Linkin' park

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
ForgettingAll the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are

Counting down the days till my time's up..

eeee

How to make the titles all come back again? =.="

After editing for so long, I really lazy to change again.. What's wrong with the codes.................

I'm quite lazy to work tomorrow.. Sigh. I wanna sleep! But insomnia. And I have to wake up early! I don't like. Budden.. I'm bankrupt. Seriously in need of a higher pay job. Either that or they gimme a pay rise which is less likely to happen. Sad me.

3 more weeks till happiness. Now I'm just a sad person.

sobs

Actually wanted to update and change the empty skin.. But then.. I think this skin might suits me after all.. I'm really empty now..

Sigh.. When will you ever understand?

Loneliness knows me by name - westlife

Loneliness is always looking for a friend
It found me once and it has been around since then
Loneliness is never waiting by the door
It sweeps right through and it will never be ignored
Why, why was I chosen?
Why am I left without?
The love of my life, the love that I need
The love that they say is in life for free
The love of my dreams, the love that I want
Loneliness knows me by name
Loneliness knows everything I keep inside
My endless thought in the silence of the night
Loneliness is the one who made me see
Ain't nobody else who can make a change but me
Why, why was I chosen?
Why am I left without?
Life is more and that would be the vacant space
The cried out tears and a never ending maze
I have found what only loneliness provides
A strength within knowing I will find

Congrats!

Today had a review on garde manger.. Chef said that I've improve alot but he think I haven't done what I'm capable of.. He say if he can have me in the kitchen for a few more weeks, he'll see even lots more improvement.. Hmmm.. Is he thinking too highly of me? Haha. I will work even harder to prove myself.. HEHE :P

No matter what, I wanna get a A! There's equal to 5 As which is 0.0. If I can do it, then I really can slack. Haha.. Do whatever I want.. And my GPA will look so nice.. Hehe.

I'm so looking forward to opening that cafe with :) Wonder how much will I need?
I'm so bankrupt. :(

Anyway, what chef told me is one of the good news I know today.. Another one is..
Edi got promoted! (You deserved it) Yeah~! Haha..

Okay.. I have to end now.. Tomorrow have exam. And its not just mcq.. And I have a headache now for no reason..

Oh. I forgot to mention.. I had foie gras for two continuous days! Can you believe this?
I've tried it, and I think that's enough for me.. Haha. Nice but not really my type of food..
(I'm so glad that I'm in this course ^^)

Working on weekends.. I need $$$$$! I wanna eat more food!!! Think I'll become fat soon.. Haha.. I think I'm going food crazy.. But I eat so much now I got a bit of sore throat. Dots.

Anyway, got to study! Aiming for at least 80%!

as labeled

My current mood playing: Forever & Always - Taylor swift
Once upon a time
I believe it was a Tuesday when I caught your eye
We caught onto something, I hold on to the night
You looked me in the eye and told me you loved me
Were you just kidding cause it seems to me
This thing is breaking down we almost never speak
I don’t feel welcome anymore, baby what happened please tell me
Cause one second it was perfect and now you’re half way out the door
And I stare at the phone and he still hasn’t called
And you feel so low you can’t feel nothin at all
And you flash back to when he said forever and always
Ohh ohhh
And it rains in your bedroom everything is wrong
It rains when you’re here and it rains when you’re gone
Cause I was there when you said forever and always
Was I out of line did I say something way too honest
That made you run and hide like a scared little boy
I looked into your eyes; thought I knew you for a minute now I’m not so sure
So here’s to everything coming down to nothing
Here’s to silence that cuts me to the core
Where is this going, thought I knew for a minute
but I don’t anymore
And I stare at the phone and he still hasn’t called
And you feel so low you can’t feel nothin at all
And you flash back to when he said forever and always
Ohh ohhh
And it rains in your bedroom everything is wrong
It rains when you’re here and it rains when you’re gone
Cause I was there when you said forever and always
You didn’t mean it baby, I don’t think so
Ohhh ohhhh
Oh back up, baby back up, did you forget everything
back up, baby back up, did you forget everything
Cause it rains in your bedroom everything is wrong
It rains when you’re here and it rains when you’re gone
Cause I was there when you said forever and always
ohhh I stare at the phone and he still hasn’t called
And you feel so low you can’t feel nothin at all
And you flash back to when we said forever and always
And it rains in your bedroom everything is wrong
It rains when you’re here and it rains when you’re gone
Cause I was there when you said forever and always
You didn’t mean it baby, you said forever and always..

This whole day this song and touch my hand keep getting stuck in my head..
It kinda applies to me too..
Its just kinda strange and hard to understand..
When my F&F sucks, my S is average, my LF is like WOW.
Now my F&F is good, my S is great, my LF is.. Sigh..
Why can't I have the best of all world?
Then I can really die with no regrets..
Is that too much to ask for?
I just hope that you can..
If only that wasn't so hard for you to do..

To be loved - westlife
The song of a little bird
The joy in three little words I know it's real
That's how it feels
To be loved by you
The stars from a midnight sky
The melody from a lullaby
There's nothing real
That I wouldn't steal
To be loved by you
To be loved by you
If everybody knows
It's only 'cause it shows
A smile to put you on a high
A kiss that sets your soul alight
Would it be all right if I spent tonight
Being loved by you
Your love is released
And you move me with ease
And you rescue me time after time
Oh Oh you give your all
And you take it all in your stride
Oh with all the power of a symphony
That's how my heart beats when you're holding me I can't conceal, this is how it feels
To be loved by you
Oh yeah, to be loved by you
If everybody knows, it's only 'cause it shows
Because I take your love,
Everywhere I go I know what it is I need, it's clear as a shallow stream
It's as it seems, my only dreams
To be loved by you

I'm so tired and stressed recently..
Gets irritated and frustrated easily..
Tears can't control themselves..
For no reason? Am I crazy?
Not necessarily.. Only I know..
There're things that I didn't say..
And most probably..
They are the things that I will never say..

Sick.. Keep having weird fever and headaches..
Life is short..
I think mine is shorter..
Its doesn't matter how long life is..
Cause when you're alone by yourself..
Time passes very slowly.. Its is long.
You also have more time to put a lock on all those things that nobody listens..
Put on a mask that everyone want to see..
But I'm only me, when I'm with you..
If only you will take a look at me..
Then you'll know that's where I wanna be..
To be in your eyes..

That's the way I loved you - taylor swift
He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better
He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine
But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you
He respects my space
And never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
He's close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He's charming and endearing
And I'm comfortable
But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you
He can't see the smile I'm faking
And my heart's not breaking
Cause I'm not feeling anything at all
And you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating intoxicating
Complicated, got away by some mistake and now
I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
It's 2am and I'm cursing your name
I'm so in love that I acted insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breaking down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you oh, oh
And that's the way I loved you oh, oh
Never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you..

If only you knew..
Things wasn't this way before..
What happened?
So suffocating..
So tired..
Empty.

When will my reflection shows who am I inside?

Losing grips - avril lavigne

Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby?
Right now I feel invisible to you, like I'm not real..
Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you?
Why'd you turn away?Here's what I have to say...
I was left to cry there, waiting outside there
Grinnin' with a lost stare,That's when I decided...
Why should I care?
'Cause you weren't there when I was scared
I was so alone...
You,
you need to listen!
I'm startin' to trip,
I'm losin' my grip
And I'm in this thing alone...
Am I just some chick you placed beside you,
To take somebody's place?
When you turn around can you recognize my face..?
You used to love me, you used to hug me
But that wasn't the case,
Everything wasn't okay..
I was left to cry there
Waiting outside there
Grinnin' with a lost stare,thats when i decided...
Why should I care?
'Cause you weren't there when I was scared,I was so alone
You, you need to listen
I'm startin' to trip
I'm losin' my grip
And I'm in this thing alone
Cryin' out loud I'm cryin' out loud
Cryin' out loud I'm cryin' out loud
Open your eyes Open up wide
Why should I care
'Cause you weren't there when I was scared, I was so alone
Why should I care
'Cause you weren't there when I was scared, I was so alone
Why should I care?
If you don't care, then I don't care
We're not going anywhere
Why should I care?
'Cause you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone
Why should I care?
If you don't care, then I don't care
We're not goin anywhere

Cold as you and invisible

Cold As You - taylor swift
You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted
Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, ain't no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you
You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you
Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
So just walk away, ain't no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you
You never did give a damn thing honey but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you
Died for you
Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Every smile you fake is so condescending
Counting all the scars you made
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

Invisible - taylor swift
She can't see the way your eyes will light up when you smile
She never noticed how you stop and stare whenever she walks by
And you can't see me wanting you the way you want her
But you are everything to me
And I just want to show you, she don't even know you
She's never gonna love you like I want to
And you just see right through me but if you only knew me
We could be a beautiful miracle, unbelievable
Instead of just invisible, yeah
There's a fire inside of you that can't help but shine through
But she's never gonna see the light, no matter what you do
And all I think about is how to make you think of me
And everything that we could be
And I just want show you, she don't even know you
She's never gonna love you like I want to
And you just see right through me but if you only knew me
We could be a beautiful miracle, unbelievable
Instead of just invisible
Like shadows in the faded light, oh, we're invisible
I just wanna open your eyes and make you realize
And I just want to show you, she don't even know you
Baby, let me love you, let me want you
You just see right through me but if you only knew me
We could be a beautiful, miracle, unbelievable
Instead of just invisible, oh, yeah
She can't see the way your eyes will light up when you smile

Teardrops on my guitar - taylor swift
Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won't see
What I want and I need
And everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful
That girl he talks about
And she's got everything
That I have to live without
Drew talks to me
I laugh 'cause it's just so funny
I can't even see
Anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love
He's finally got it right
I wonder if he knows
He's all I think about at night
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do
Drew walks by me
Can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She better hold him tight
Give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes
And know she's lucky 'cause
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do
So I drive home alone
As I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down
And maybe get some sleep tonight
'Cuz he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do
He's the time taken up but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into
Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won't see

I'm so tired.. Sigh.. Why is it that whenever I thought my luck start to change, something bad sure will happen? No strength to be bother with these kind of things but they're just there. Like to appear when I don't have the ability to fiight..

The stupid rubber from my specs break while I was wiping my specs gently this afternoon.. Went to repair then that guy cheat my money. I don't believe that small little thing cost that much. I already broke still cheat my money. Hate him.

Now I can only think of taylor swift songs.. I can always find a song easily that suit my current mood. Which is blue and red now.. Blue cause I'm sad, red cause I'm mad and irritated about that cc stupid standardised recipes that never get accepted and that guy who cheat my money.

You belong with me - taylor swift.. (really?)
You're on the phone with your girlfriend, she's upset
She's going off about something that you said
'Cause she doesn't get your humor like I do
I'm in the room, it's a typical Tuesday night
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like
And she'll never know your story like I do
But she wears short skirts, I wear T-shirts
She's Cheer Captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time
If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along, so why can't you see?
You, you belong with me, you belong with me
Walking the streets with you and your worn-out jeans
I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself
Hey, isn't this easy?
And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town
I haven't seen it in a while since she brought you down
You say you're fine, I know you better than that
Hey, what ya doing with a girl like that?
She wears high heels, I wear sneakers
She's Cheer Captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time
If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along, so why can't you see?
You belong with me
Standing by and waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know?
Baby, you belong with me, you belong with me
Oh, I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're 'bout to cry
And I know your favorite songs and you tell me 'bout your dreams
Think I know where you belong, think I know it's with me
Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you?
Been here all along, so why can't you see?
You belong with me
Standing by and waiting at your back door
All this time, how could you not know?
Baby, you belong with me, you belong with me
You belong with meHave you ever thought just maybe
You belong with me?
You belong with me..

Think I'll continue later.. Someone complain that I'm slow.. Dots.

omg.omg.omg.omg!

This week I'm not myself at all! There's 5 evidences..

1. I'm quiet, and that's really abnormal. So abnormal that my colleagues asked what's wrong with me. -.-" Now if any instructor comments that JieHui is a quiet girl, I think I can accept that. Haha.

2. I've spent alot of money. Alot is really = ALOT. =.=" I can't believe this. This entire week, though most lunch is free cause we eat what we cooked. But, I've spent alot mainly on taxi fares.. =.=" I can't wake up at all. So tired. Plus I bought around 50plus for the CC! Inclusive of equipment though.. Despite the fact that I've spent alot of money, I still lack some equipment. Argh. Need to update my wishlist now..

3. This one is connected to 2. Late. At least 2 days I'm almost late for school. But its not really my fault.. I mean, I get out of house by 6.30 but the bus is late.. As a result, I at 7 still can't board bus nor on the way to school. Guess what, in order not to be late I have to take taxi. From my house to school is ......... In addition to that, peak hour surcharges are even more !!! cause that will add on to my already !!! fares.. Sigh.

4. This also sort of connected to 3. I've to keep delaying things which is also hard to keep promises regarding the time. (Cause I'm late) And recently, I don't know why, there's always last minute stuff that pop up halfway.. Just as my plans are made. Then I have to keep changing the timing.. Change until very irritated. SIGH.

5. Slow motion. I not sure if its because I'm so tired that my body don't listen to my instructions, I do things very slowly. Even though I tell myself to work fast. So weird and so not me. There's only 3 things that I do very fast this week is: Go to sleep cause I'm so tired, drink water and change into uniform. DOTS. Oh, I think I eat faster now too.. But now I'm so tired that I just eat for the sake of eating.. Don't even have the strength to move..

Hence, my conclusion is, next week (tomorrow) I have to reduce my flow of money. To think I thought I would have save alot since my lunch free.. I became negative instead! Sobs. Next week I have to rely entirely on Garde Manger food plus my oreo cookies.. At most lunch time I buy milk.. Sobs. I just realised something.. Wed, thurs is prepare for FRIDAY BUFFET = less free food = more money spent. Oh my goodness. O.O I can't imagine how many hours I have to work to earn back those amount.. My trip to disneyland intern 100% GONE. I shall stare at the pictures in the internet.. -.-

Next thing is sleep by 11.30pm everyday. But I doubt its possible.. Since now is already 11.37pm and I'm still here.. And I haven't write down wat chef ask me to find. Sigh.. If I can do a system recovery on myself, maybe I can get the old me back.. Haha. The insane one. I think she's better than now.. The one who keep doing the wrong things or doing things wrong.. Okay. The confused one. Haha.

I remembered another thing! I didn't update again. This proves my above evidence valid. Haha. I should add another absent-minded to the list.. T.T

Now listening to MYMP- Only reminds me of you

I'm so weird today.. Found myself crying a few times for no apparent reason..

I'm so tired that I'm having difficulties moving around.. Had to drag my feet around the place..

For cc, I'm going to make 2 pastries this weekend.. Who wanna be my guinea pig? HAHA. Not sure if nice anot.. Never make before..

Today, I don't think I have the strength to update either.. Sigh.

Recently there's this weird gap.. Hope it'll close up soon.. If not, I don't know what to do..


Now playing - 林俊杰--突然累了: 吃饭吃到睡了我开车开到傻了我看书看到你了开始怀疑我怎么了说话说到吐了我写歌写到疯了我爱你爱到盲了天知道我又怎么了不舍得舍不得都分手了舍不得不舍得散了爱是你的我是我的完了原来我只是突然累了原来我不说了原来我撑着撑到麻了原来我不爱了

There's only one point that applies to me from this song is, I'm just tired suddenly..

too naive

I should have know that was just too good to be truth..

Ignorant stupid girl.

late.

3 weeks behind.. Thought of updating some today but I have to do my sugarloaf dining review..

Bet by the time I'm done, its time for bed.. And I can't remember all the things that happened for the past few weeks.

I'm so lazy. And late.

Ate too much raw salmon today.. -.-"

tired tired tired!

I'm sick. Sick and tired of all these stupid things that happened to me..

So sick and tired that I'm falling apart..

That I no longer have the strength to do things that I wanna do..

Kept having headaches these days..

Don't know what I should do or what I can do to make myself better..

I'm empty

13 july

I'm not going to update about school yet cause I'm so tired.. Besides, I still have quite a few days didn't say.. Anyway.. Just wanna talk about what happened after school..

Today Edison brought me to Singapore flyer! ^^ My first visit!
Ta da. This is the ticket.. Hehe XD

We went to eat dinner at long john silver before walking around aimlessly waiting for our turn.. Haha. Then when its almost time's up, we walked the long path to the entrance.. And went into the container???? Haha. I forgot what's that called..

Anyway. It really moves very slowly.. Besides us, there's two more couples inside.. Busy taking pictures with each other.. Then we're the opposite.. Taking pictures of the surrounding..

Haha. I cut my hair yesterday, ow I feel so light headed. And it looks kinda weird at certain angle.. Even though 2/3 of my hair GONE, no one seems to notice.. Sigh. I pity my hair.. Sobs. Oh ya. That might be one of the reason why I take more pictures of the outside than me. Haha.

I realised that throughout the whole journey? I was taking pictures of the same thing over and over again except that its different angle. And I got different results. Quite cool actually. Here's some pictures..

A piece of the night view at marina.. Some express way.. Haha.. Like watching how the cars zoom across the road.. :P

Another part of the view.. The buildings. Haha. It looks even better when not in picture... My phone, don't know why the quality suddenly drop.. Think I dropped too many times.. Its dying.. -.-

Alright. This is the whole view of the building plus the pretty express way.. Haha. So nice. There's much more but I don't think I have time to add today.

Bet you can never guess what is this.. Haha. I'm so artistic. Haha. You won't believe what is this.. This picture is the combination of the express way, the view of marina barrage and the buildings! Why is it blue and white I not sure.. But that's the 3 places.. Haha.

This is another view of the long express way.. Hehe. Really very nice to look at.. xD

After the ride, we went home.. Can't stay out too late cause tomorrow have school. -.-" Thought of uploading the one and only nicest picture of us taken today.. Budden.. After reviewing and see my ARGH, i think better not. Sigh. Maybe I'll consider putting at facebook with the rest of the pictures.. We shall see..

Signing off now.. So tired.. Sleepy. And I just realised someone ate my whole bar of chocolate! SOBS. And my box of ice cream GONE also. Sad. And I'm broke to buy more.. Take too much taxi recently.. Need start saving again..

Last but not least, thank you, my dear Edi for making me so happy today and the dress! (:

Day 39

Okay.. Now I shall continue on my long lost entries.. Haha.

Day 39. 2nd week of baking and pastry.. Will be changing to pastry in a few days time.. Enjoying the joy of baking now that I've gotten the hang of it.. Haha.

Today supposed to be my dining experience at the Top Table.. Was so looking forward to eating those nice food, then I was told that it was being postpone! So in the end had to eat the canteen food again which is like ............. So enjoyable. -.-"

Made chocolate chips cookies, muffins and oatmeal cookies today.. Plus some others I can't really recall.. And mise en plus for tomorrow..

There's nothing much to say except that I've learn a new way of making cookies.. Hehe. I was following my friend method when my chef came over and taught me a easier and faster way to do it. The end result is the same but the procedures are different..

Many ways to look at things.. It may appears to be this but it might be something else.. It depends on how you look at it.. Didn't know that making cookies can be a very meaningful thing to do.. Haha.

Then do mise en place for the biscuits tomorrow.. And that's the end of the day..

omg. i miss them!

In life you will meet many people who will make a difference in your life..
Can never feel unhappy when with them (:
Too bad now that we're in different school.. :(
I'm waiting for your exam to end!
Then we can finally meet up!
Miss them so much..
Miss the old me too..
The happy me..
The noisy me.

random-ness

Actually wanted to update my so outdated blog.. But not in a very good mood now.. Sigh..

Forever & Always - Taylor swift
Once upon a time
I believe it was a Tuesday when I caught your eye
We caught onto something, I hold on to the night
You looked me in the eye and told me you loved me
Were you just kidding cause it seems to me
This thing is breaking down we almost never speak
I don’t feel welcome anymore, baby what happened please tell me
Cause one second it was perfect and now you’re half way out the door
And I stare at the phone and he still hasn’t called
And you feel so low you can’t feel nothin at all
And you flash back to when he said forever and always
Ohh ohhh
And it rains in your bedroom everything is wrong
It rains when you’re here and it rains when you’re gone
Cause I was there when you said forever and always
Was I out of line did I say something way too honest
That made you run and hide like a scared little boy
I looked into your eyes; thought I knew you for a minute now I’m not so sure
So here’s to everything coming down to nothing
Here’s to silence that cuts me to the core
Where is this going, thought I knew for a minute
but I don’t anymore
And I stare at the phone and he still hasn’t called
And you feel so low you can’t feel nothin at all
And you flash back to when he said forever and always
Ohh ohhh
And it rains in your bedroom everything is wrong
It rains when you’re here and it rains when you’re gone
Cause I was there when you said forever and always
You didn’t mean it baby, I don’t think so
Ohhh ohhhh
Oh back up, baby back up, did you forget everything
back up, baby back up, did you forget everything
Cause it rains in your bedroom everything is wrong
It rains when you’re here and it rains when you’re gone
Cause I was there when you said forever and always
ohhh I stare at the phone and he still hasn’t called
And you feel so low you can’t feel nothin at all
And you flash back to when we said forever and always
And it rains in your bedroom everything is wrong
It rains when you’re here and it rains when you’re gone
Cause I was there when you said forever and always
You didn’t mean it baby, you said forever and always

This song was stuck in my head for the past few hours.. Very nice song to listen to especially if you're feeling blue.. There's more songs coming up.. My brain felt like a music library now.. Alot songs keep playing.. Was thinking about something then there's this song that links.. -.-"

Tongue tied - Faber drive
Bright cold silver moon
Tonight alone in my room
You were here just yesterday
Slight turn of the head
Eyes down when you said
I guess I need my life to change
Seems like something's just aren't the same
What could I say?
I need a little more luck than a little bit
Cuz every time I get stuck the words won't fit
And every time that I try I get tongue tied
I'll need a little good luck to get me by
I need a little more help than a little bit
Like the perfect one word no one's heard yet
Cuz every time that I try I get tongue tied
I need a little good luck to get me by this time
I stare up at the starsI wonder just where you are
You feel a million miles away(I wonder just where you are)
Was it something I said?
Or something I never did?
Or was I always in the way?(Was it something I did?)
Could someone tell me what to say to just make you stay?
I need a little more luck than a little bit
Cuz every time I get stuck the words won't fit
And every time that I try I get tongue tied
I need a little good luck to get me by
I need a little more help than a little bit
Like the perfect one word no one's heard yet
Cuz every time that I try I get tongue tied
I need a little good luck to get me by this time
I know it feels like the endDon't want to be here again
And we could help each other off the ground so we never fall down again
What it takes I don't care
We're gonna make it I swear
And we could help each other off the ground so we never fall down again
Again
I need a little more luck than a little bit
Cuz every time I get stuck the words won't fit
But every time that I try I get tongue tied
I need a little good luck to get me by
I need a little more help than a little bit
Like the perfect one word no one's heard yet
Cuz every time that I try I get tongue tied
I need a little good luck to get me by this time
I know it feels like the end
Don't want to be here again
And we could help each other off the ground so we never fall down again
What it takes I don't care
We're gonna make it I swear
And we could help each other off the ground so we never fall down again
I need a little more luck than a little bit
Cuz every time I get stuck the words won't fit
But every time that I try I get tongue tied
I need a little good luck to get me by
I need a little more help than a little bit
Like the perfect one word no one's heard yet
Cuz every time that I try I get tongue tied
I need a little good luck to get me by this time
I know it feels like the endDon't want to be here again
And we could help each other off the ground so we never fall down again
What it takes I don't care
We're gonna make it I swear
And we could help each other off the ground so we never fall down again

I think now this blog is becoming like my old blog which is 90% made of lyrics.. Dots.Who ask all these songs to describe my feelings so well? I'm not so good with words though I enjoy typing.. So the easiest is to copy and paste since they're already in my brain.. It had been quite long since my blog entry is this long too.. Felt like adding more songs here.. Haha.. I'll shall add another here, the one that I'm listening to now.. This song is extremely goood (:

Taylor swift - white horse
Say you're sorry
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to
As I pace back and forth all this time
'Cause I honestly believed in you
Holdin' on,
The days drag on
Stupid girl I should've known, I should've known
That I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your
White Horse,
To come around.
Maybe I was naïve,
Got lost in your eyesI never really had a chance.
My mistake I didnt know to be in love
you had to fight to have the upper hand.
I had so many dreams about you and me
Happy endings;
Now I know
I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.
And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness,
Begging for me
Just like I always wanted,
But I'm so sorry
Cause Im not your princess
This aint a fairytale
Im gonna find someone,
Some day
Who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world,
That was a small town
There in my rearview mirror,
Disappearing now.
And it's too late for you and your
White Horse,
Now its too late for you and your
White Horse
To catch me now.
Oh whoa whoa whoa-oh
Try and catch me now
Whoa-Oh
It's too late
To catch me now.

Okay.. I think this entry is really too long now.. I shall stop here for the time being.. Will continue in next entry.. Haha.
Now listening to - Thinking of you

Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay..

exhausted

Tomorrow is the last day at baking and pastry..

I'm so tired.. We have homework today.. Making mazipan rose. Plus test tomorrow..
Can't even open my eyes now.. I'm dead for sure..

Recently really no time to update.. Haiz.

oops

I realised I've missed out 6 days of school stuff.. And I can't really recall what happened.. Haha. Will try to update maybe tomorrow? Very tired today.. Had alot of cakes.. 2 birthday cakes?

Tomorrow will be a very very very long and definitely tiring day.. :(

1 more hour to 7th :)

Trees

Complicated & lost.

Day 38

3 man down today.. Means more work to do.. We almost 4 man down due to the thermometer that was spoilt. Luckily, there's no fever.. Or else I really can't imagine 3 people doing 7 people work.. Phew.

Become muffins people again.. Cause lack of people.. Blueberry muffins become cranberry muffins.. Haha. We ran out of blueberry so we changed it to cranberry.. Now the batter become red.. Haha.

Made mudslide cookies.. Expected, my chef jacket is full of chocolate stain.. Melting chocolate is fun.. Too bad can't eat it.. I don't know why today I'm so blur that everything do quite slowly.. Then keep asking chef if I'm doing the right thing.. So I keep getting the answers like, this is what day already? De? Where's your common sense? Haha. But I still keep asking anyway.. I say I never make muddslide before so I ask to confirm then chef say I should know by now.. Haha.. Who ask the first batch fail give me pressure?

So I make a mess of my jacket, complete the mixture, scoop into portion and let them rest before I shape them.. Then I move on to prepare the brownies.. When the muddslide set, I shaped it.. And I continue to make brownies..

When I'm done, went to help with bread making.. I really enjoyed making bread. Hehe :)

Did some mise en place for Monday.. No lecture today!! Haha.. Had food tasting then went home..