PAIN PAIN PAIN

Stupid pot drop onto my feet now bruised and is freaking pain :( Can't stand can't walk..

Why so unlucky today?

Stomach pain also.. :(

But on the bright side, my ears finally recovered from the piercing! YEAH!

Budden my stupid giant pimple is still stuck there on my head :(

SO ARGH. Hate it. But it just won't go away :(

And more is coming out..

Then maybe I shouldn't have youth then the beans won't come find me T.T

Hope it go away soon :(

0.0

So I've posted 4 posts already. That was fast? Wonder is it because I haven't been typing for so long that it feels kinda weird to type again :X

I missed band, I missed my eupho. And I missed........ OH well. I'm not telling you. Just things that I won't tell anyone :( No matter how you ask.. Sigh. That's why I need to screammmmm. SIGH.

Need to wake up in like 8 hours to go work but I can't sleep.. Feeling too depressed :( Sigh. Why do I keep feeling this way.. Emo kid seriously. Somehow I lost my smile along the way.. The real smile. The sense of happiness.. To be happy and to be loved is such a luxury to me.

Am I really not worth to be treated well? :'( And you asked me why I'm sad..

Heart pain again.. Recently the frequency is getting more and more.. Maybe, I'm dying soon? End my misery soon.. Okay, it's too pain to type now.. I shall try to sleep.. Wonder if I can wake up tomorrow. Very pain..

THURSDAY

Today woke up head very pain, feeling very giddy can't even walk straight.. Super tired.. Wonder why.. Dragged myself to work..

Reached there 5 mins before 10am, faster change and start.. Very tired, strengthless.. Wanted to cook the rice.. Guess what? The circuit tripped. I just plug in and turn the cooker on then bam short circuit. In the end the cooker can't use. My chef said it wasn't my fault cause I don't know that will happen so he cover up for me.. Feel very bad.. :(

End up we use the oven to cook the rice.. It was alright.. Then do the mise en place. As yesterday is the last day of the month, everything is running low.. Plus yesterday full house like crazy. The order never stop. Once the people get their salary they come here to eat.. Don't understand why they actually come here to eat satay.. Weird. Moreover I don't even think its nice.. Maybe cause I never tried it.. Haha.

Do the mise en place, I think I will too slow so end up my chef did most of the things for me.. Lunch hour packed again. So packed that we ran out of food to sell. D: Actually mostly is due to the fact that the suppliers came late so we don't have the products to prepare the food. Hence, I was sent to another outlet near us to borrow some stuff..

For some reason, at the area near my workplace, I have a very bad sense of direction.. Lost my way while going to work, lost my way while going to borrow some stuff from neighbour restaurant. Gosh.

Anyway, I just take the directions as told and I ran and ran though I'm already very tired.. Halfway, I asked for direction just in case. People are staring at me cause I'm wearing the chef uniform and I'm asking for my company's another outlet address. Haha. They must be thinking why is there such a weirdo wearing chef uniform running under the sun looking for her restaurant. -.-"

I managed to reach there safely.. But not for long. Tried to push open the kitchen door but in vain, thought the door is locked. So I went the other way, then the service staff say push harder. (This shows how tired I am, can't even open a stupid door) Anyway, I pushed harder and guess what? The door slam onto my hand. EXTREMELY PAINFUL. Wanted to cry on the spot but there's people around -.- Till now, to this point that I'm typing this, its still very pain. Can't bend can't use strength and it is bruised.

I borrowed the fries and ran all the way back to outlet. Took me back and fro about 10mins. I'm so fast. DOTS. Back to busy service. Heard that I need to make puttanesca, but in the end they say the order has already been sent. Wasted.

After service more goods arrived so we can really get down to do some serious mise en place. Defrost food, sliced onions, mushrooms, lemons, cut frisee, spin carrot, top up supplies etc.. Lot of work.. Only until 4 plus I went for lunch.. Anyway I chose to eat till I finished most of the things anyway..

After lunch, there's not much to do.. Items haven't defrost yet, packed stuff already, mise out what we can mise.. So I just hang around making fun of people. Haha. They have resigned already and are leaving soon, might as well make use of the time to play as much as possible.. Haha.

We cleaned the kitchen, I sweep but my chef say why I no strength one so he took over, then wash and mop. And I still can't communicate with the new dishwasher. He thought I understand malay but I don't. So I talk to him in English plus sign language.. Funny sight.

I went home, just changed bump into a colleague, talk and walk the other way.. Then I crossed the street, someone suddenly call me, I got a shock. In the end is another colleague who went to the-place-where-the-door-slam-my-hand to borrow things..

Then I went home. The rest I don't feel like saying anymore.. Maybe a good night sleep will help.. Hopefully, or else I'll be depressed the whole day tomorrow..

*SCREAMS*

late

I just realised I haven't been blogging for quite long.. Not to mention the fact that I have long overdued posts.. Haha.

Despite the fact that I've been working very hard, I'm still broke! Mum's birthday is just a few more days.. And guess what? I promised to treat her to a good meal.. But I'm broke :( I'm still trying to refill that hole made a few months ago..

I wanted to change my hairstyle.. Cause the weather is driving me nuts. Its too hot with this hair. Changing is definitely going to cost too.. Moreover.. No way am I going to cut a hair that I can't let myself be seen with.. :(

Bought a few clothes for my makeover, since there's a 50% off for all clothes.. So my tution money = gone.

Been to the hospital for a few more times.. The doctor gave me medication for 1month. And from what he says.. Though he didn't say it out loud, there's definitely a possibility of me having cancer. Small possibility is not = NIL. If I have it, you might as well kill me now. So I have to eat this disgusting medicine for a month and see how.. Then we'll know if I'm lucky or not..

Wednesday still have to go back hospital again. :( To check on my result on the kidney. Hope I recovered. I can't go through anymore treatment.. Too painful.. If it becomes kidney failure.. Its really omg. Last wednesday, when I go back to hospital to take scanning.. I thought I don't have to go through anymore needles.. Guess what? Besides drinking that disgusting contrast water which almost made me vomit, the nurse tricked me again. The doctor told my mum that the needle will only go through my arm, that nurse pierce through my wrist. She complaint that my nerve is too narrow, so she pierce through 4 times, each time going deeper. Pain till I cry. Then she give up and go through my arm another 2 times cause she can't find the nerve. So angry with her. If you can't do it once in the first place, get someone else who can. Keep saying I'm so poor thing, and it's all cause by your incompetence. Still call yourself senior nurse. Liar.

Sick for more than 1 week now.. My flu finally recovered.. But not the cough. I seriously won't be surprised if the next time the doctor is going to tell me is that my lungs got infection by virus. =.=

I HATE GOING TO HOSPITAL. And I'm not kidding.

sobs

I really don't know what I should do anymore.. I don't even know what's wrong?

Sigh.. I'm so tired. Both pysically and mentally.. Energy drink don't help at all.. Seriously..

Today school went quite smoothly though we have quite a lot of customers.. Not to mention that 24pax.. It was hectic yet fun.. I was in charge of plating the dessert, espresso profiteroles.. :) I'm addicted to it now. Hehe.

Now I'm not in the mood to talk about school or even about what's going on in my life..

In life, nothing is predictable. Just like the weather, even though they say that it will be a sunny day, but there're still chances that it will rain. And in some cases, it really did. This applies to life too.. One second its perfect but the next you might already lost what you had.. It may not be important to you, but usually what you lose, is something precious to you..

Isn't life strange? You know that its bad for you yet you still do it. Just like junk food is always taste better than your usual fare.. Just like when you're young, you dream of growing up.. Then when you growed up, you wished that you can stay forever young.. Dream of the days when you don't have to worry about a single thing. The days when you can smile and be happy no matter what happen.. The days when you're scared you can run and hide behind your parents knowing that they'll protect you.. The days when you're so innocent and don't know about anything at all.. Knowing too much, not necessary is a good thing.. Trying to understand someone might not be a wise choice either too..

Just like life, human are hard to understand too.. Cause everybody is different and that's what makes them unique. But because everybody is different, even twins, you don't know what's on their mind.. No matter how hard you try, it's not possible to understand a person fully.. You might thought that you knew that person, but actually you don't.

Looking back on those days when I had my fun.. When I was happy.. When everyday, I really smile and is happy.. But as life goes on, more worries, more smile and happiness taken away from me.. Now my playlist if full of sad and emo songs, no longer happy songs.. But there isn't much happy songs to start with anyway.. So it doesn't make much difference.. But still.. I wish I can be happier..

I've identified one of my personality.. Straight forward. I just speak my mind, speak for myself, speak for my heart. However, I've come to realised that, in order to survived in this complicated world, one must learn not to reveal too much of his true self to the world.. Its a very dangerous move to make.. Cause people might make use of your weakness to attack you.. And its true.. They might smile at you, but behind your back you won't know what they did. Perhaps, its better not to know..

Trying to escape from reality is a suffocating thing to do. Cause life hurts so much that you wanna hide from the rest of the world.. Wanna hide behind your parents just like when you're small.. But you can't do that anymore.. Your parents are too old to protect you.. Then you start to wonder why is there so many bad things happening in this world.. Why don't people care for each other anymore? Are they too busy trying to live that they forgot about what else is important in their lives?

Sometimes words are better off unsaid.. Sometimes words are easier to be understood when read.. Sometimes.. You just have to learn when to let go.. You caught a rare bird, it has beautiful feathers and lovely voice.. You played with it everyday, show it off to your friends.. But living in a small little cage is not what it wanna be.. It dream of flying in the big blue sky, carefree.. Not stuck in the small little metal cage. So no matter how much you love it, you must set it free cause its the best for it..

Making decisions and not regretting making them, is not easy. You will regret them in some part of your life although you know that its the right decision to make at that point in time.. Accepting the outcome is another thing that you've to face.. Something that I don't wanna know.. If I have to find a song that describes me to you, it'll be "when you say nothing at all" and the phrase will be "you said it best, when you say nothing at all"..

I've already become very quiet compare to my old loud voice.. Now when I speak, people can barely hear me.. Which is very unusual in a way.. And it doesn't just apply to when I'm outside, at home is the same.. I wonder when will I be allowed to be myself again.. When will my reflection shows who am I inside?

Recently kept having weird dreams.. About myself dying in different scenario.. Maybe that day is not long off.. What do I have to regret about? Nothing. I've said my piece, I've said what I wanna say while I still can, while you still can hear me.. in person.. But since you're not interested, I shall not say again.. I don't mind repeating myself if you're willing to listen.. The thing is, are you?

Thought of going jogging to take my mind off all these unhappiness.. But I'm so tired that my legs are so heavy that they don't even have the strength to support my body.. Whole day I've to drag myself around.. I've lost.. Lost the reason to fight..Fight for what belonged to me.. What I thought belonged to me.. Something that never belonged to me..

Wake up very early in the morning, trying to brighten your day by giving you a smile. Chasing after a bus, fell down during the process just to catch a glimps of your face.. Staring at your face, trying to get a better look of your face, deep inside, wished that your sight will be on me too.. Trying to be understanding, in the process, understood a lot more.. You can see and feel a lot more when you're in the shadows.. You can hear more when there's silence.. You understood more hints when it's quiet.. You can feel a lot more with your heart and hurt more if its empty.. Empty not because there's nothing inside.. But because of what you understood..

Why do I cry don't even want to.. I thought I was only being called a crybaby when I was a little girl.. Now its just like the tap to the tears supply has broken.. Can no longer control it.. I just can't be happy.. Can't be me.. Now the girl you know, is not me.. The real me is not like this.. Is not a crybaby.. In fact is a chatterbox, is a cheerful and happy girl.. Look at this stupid girl now.. All she know now is doing the wrong things and keep crying.. And that's all she knows how to do.. Cause she had lost everything.. Including herself..

This girl walked on the streets, her old friends can't even recognize her. Cause she had became a totally different person. Someone of totally opposite personality. She's trying to retrieve back the reason to live.. Her reason for living.. She wanted to do a lot of things, don't know why all those things are just so hard to do.. It seems easy but just keep failing.. Do dreams even come true at all..

Behind the clouds - Brad Paisley
When you're feeling lonely, lost and let down
Seems like those dark skies are following you around
And life's just one big shade of gray
You wonder if you'll see the light of day

Behind the clouds, the sun is shining
Believe me even though you can't quite make it out
You may not see the silver lining
But there's a big blue sky waiting just behind the clouds

I've heard it said that this too shall pass
Good times or bad times, neither one lasts
But thinking that your luck won't ever change
Is like thinking it won't ever stop once it starts to rain

Behind the clouds, the sun is shining
Believe me even though you can't quite make it out
You may not see the silver lining
But there's a big blue sky waiting just behind the clouds
Yeah, there's a big blue sky waiting just behind the clouds

I shall try to believe this for awhile.. Don't know how long can I last.. My body is breaking apart.. If dreams come true, it means that the dreams that I had about me dying will come true too right? Maybe then, you can finally willing to take a good look of my face..

emo

Today's just like another other day I had recently, I just felt like crying.. If only there's a place where I can hide and just let it go.. If crying can make me feel better, I think I'll do that..

I wish I don't have to go through these every single day..

It seems like every questions that I asked everybody is a stupid question when they said that there's no such thing as a stupid question.. How irony.. But this is what you answered me. Can't you see how much I need to hear that from you? There's so many things that I want you know.. If it takes you forever, I want you to know..

Save you - simple plan

Take a breath
I pull myself together
Just another step till I reach the door
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you
I wish that I could tell you something
To take it all away

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I won't give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

When I hear your voice
Its drowning in a whisper
It's just skin and bones
There's nothing left to take
And no matter what I do I can't make you feel better
If only I could find the answer
To help me understand

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

That if you fall, stumble down
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall
Oh you know I'll be there for you

(Ahahaha)
If only I could find the answer
To take it all away

Sometimes i wish i could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
(Oh)
I wish I could save you
I want you to know
(Ohohh)
I wish I could save you (oh)

Instead of saving others, I guess I need someone to save me more now.. I feel so helpless..

just another song

Just another perfect song for my lousy mood..

Be good to me - Ashley Tisdale
Everyday is getting worse
Do the same things and it hurts
I don't know if I should cry
All I know is that I'm tryin'
I wanna believe in you
I wanna believe in you
But you make it so hard to do
What's the point of makin' plans
You break all the ones we had
I don't know where we went wrong
Cuz we used to be so strong
I wanna believe in you
I wanna believe in you
So why can't you be
Be good to me
I don't ask for much
All I want is love
Someone to see
That's all I need
Somebody to be
Somebody to be
Somebody to be
Good to me
Good to me
Can you be good to me
Good to me
Please
I used to think I had it all
Then one day we hit a wall
I had hoped you were the one
Where's my dream, where has it gone
I wanted to be with you
Forever just me and you
So why can't you be
Be good to me
I don't ask for much
All I want is love
Someone to see
That's all I need
Somebody to be
Somebody to be
Somebody to be
Good to me
Good to me
Can you be good to me
Good to me
Please
Where do I go from here
You've gotten under my skin
And I don't know how
To get out of this place that I'm in
I don't ask for much
All I want is love
Someone to see
That's all I need
Somebody to be
Somebody to be
Somebody to be
Good to me
Good to me
Can you be good to me
Good to me
Please
I don't ask for much
All I want is love
Someone to see
That's all I need
Somebody to be
Someone to be
Somebody to be
Good to me
Good to me
Can you be good to me
Good to me
Please

reached the maximum capacity

Last night I dreamed that I fainted then I never wake up anymore.. What a weird dream.. Recently kept having weird dreams.. And it seems so real! I also keep having this tomato dream that when I woke up, I was about to continue what I did in dreamland.. -.-" I must be going insane..

Although I can't feel the stress, but I know I'm really stressed up these few days.. And I'm getting more and more paraniod each day.. Wonder what's wrong with me.. Now my only way to relief stress is food and cooking. I think sooner or later I'll become a ball even though I'm not that kind who will get fat easily.. But who cares? I need some more meat anyway..

I was so depressed lately that today I finally gave in and bought this (see above).. Actually yesterday wanted to buy but the machine refused to gimme my money.. Then I have to contact the customer service to get my money back.. On monday.. =.= I don't like the taste if there's even a taste at all.. Maybe I added too much ice.. Sigh..

Today's work, I can't believe I actually end and leave work the time I was supposed to leave. First time since don't know how long? Seriously need a better pay job..

After a few days of thinking, I think I shouldn't care so much.. Sure, they're important but if I won't hurt so much that caring less might be a wise choice.. I'm soo tired.. I really hope I never make a wrong choice that day.. I don't want to regret.. Don't make me feel that..

Now there's this one song which kind of describes my feeling..

Leave out all the rest - Linkin' park

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
ForgettingAll the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are

Counting down the days till my time's up..

as labeled

My current mood playing: Forever & Always - Taylor swift
Once upon a time
I believe it was a Tuesday when I caught your eye
We caught onto something, I hold on to the night
You looked me in the eye and told me you loved me
Were you just kidding cause it seems to me
This thing is breaking down we almost never speak
I don’t feel welcome anymore, baby what happened please tell me
Cause one second it was perfect and now you’re half way out the door
And I stare at the phone and he still hasn’t called
And you feel so low you can’t feel nothin at all
And you flash back to when he said forever and always
Ohh ohhh
And it rains in your bedroom everything is wrong
It rains when you’re here and it rains when you’re gone
Cause I was there when you said forever and always
Was I out of line did I say something way too honest
That made you run and hide like a scared little boy
I looked into your eyes; thought I knew you for a minute now I’m not so sure
So here’s to everything coming down to nothing
Here’s to silence that cuts me to the core
Where is this going, thought I knew for a minute
but I don’t anymore
And I stare at the phone and he still hasn’t called
And you feel so low you can’t feel nothin at all
And you flash back to when he said forever and always
Ohh ohhh
And it rains in your bedroom everything is wrong
It rains when you’re here and it rains when you’re gone
Cause I was there when you said forever and always
You didn’t mean it baby, I don’t think so
Ohhh ohhhh
Oh back up, baby back up, did you forget everything
back up, baby back up, did you forget everything
Cause it rains in your bedroom everything is wrong
It rains when you’re here and it rains when you’re gone
Cause I was there when you said forever and always
ohhh I stare at the phone and he still hasn’t called
And you feel so low you can’t feel nothin at all
And you flash back to when we said forever and always
And it rains in your bedroom everything is wrong
It rains when you’re here and it rains when you’re gone
Cause I was there when you said forever and always
You didn’t mean it baby, you said forever and always..

This whole day this song and touch my hand keep getting stuck in my head..
It kinda applies to me too..
Its just kinda strange and hard to understand..
When my F&F sucks, my S is average, my LF is like WOW.
Now my F&F is good, my S is great, my LF is.. Sigh..
Why can't I have the best of all world?
Then I can really die with no regrets..
Is that too much to ask for?
I just hope that you can..
If only that wasn't so hard for you to do..

To be loved - westlife
The song of a little bird
The joy in three little words I know it's real
That's how it feels
To be loved by you
The stars from a midnight sky
The melody from a lullaby
There's nothing real
That I wouldn't steal
To be loved by you
To be loved by you
If everybody knows
It's only 'cause it shows
A smile to put you on a high
A kiss that sets your soul alight
Would it be all right if I spent tonight
Being loved by you
Your love is released
And you move me with ease
And you rescue me time after time
Oh Oh you give your all
And you take it all in your stride
Oh with all the power of a symphony
That's how my heart beats when you're holding me I can't conceal, this is how it feels
To be loved by you
Oh yeah, to be loved by you
If everybody knows, it's only 'cause it shows
Because I take your love,
Everywhere I go I know what it is I need, it's clear as a shallow stream
It's as it seems, my only dreams
To be loved by you

I'm so tired and stressed recently..
Gets irritated and frustrated easily..
Tears can't control themselves..
For no reason? Am I crazy?
Not necessarily.. Only I know..
There're things that I didn't say..
And most probably..
They are the things that I will never say..

Sick.. Keep having weird fever and headaches..
Life is short..
I think mine is shorter..
Its doesn't matter how long life is..
Cause when you're alone by yourself..
Time passes very slowly.. Its is long.
You also have more time to put a lock on all those things that nobody listens..
Put on a mask that everyone want to see..
But I'm only me, when I'm with you..
If only you will take a look at me..
Then you'll know that's where I wanna be..
To be in your eyes..

That's the way I loved you - taylor swift
He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better
He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine
But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you
He respects my space
And never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
He's close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He's charming and endearing
And I'm comfortable
But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you
He can't see the smile I'm faking
And my heart's not breaking
Cause I'm not feeling anything at all
And you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating intoxicating
Complicated, got away by some mistake and now
I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
It's 2am and I'm cursing your name
I'm so in love that I acted insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breaking down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you oh, oh
And that's the way I loved you oh, oh
Never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you..

If only you knew..
Things wasn't this way before..
What happened?
So suffocating..
So tired..
Empty.

When will my reflection shows who am I inside?

Losing grips - avril lavigne

Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby?
Right now I feel invisible to you, like I'm not real..
Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you?
Why'd you turn away?Here's what I have to say...
I was left to cry there, waiting outside there
Grinnin' with a lost stare,That's when I decided...
Why should I care?
'Cause you weren't there when I was scared
I was so alone...
You,
you need to listen!
I'm startin' to trip,
I'm losin' my grip
And I'm in this thing alone...
Am I just some chick you placed beside you,
To take somebody's place?
When you turn around can you recognize my face..?
You used to love me, you used to hug me
But that wasn't the case,
Everything wasn't okay..
I was left to cry there
Waiting outside there
Grinnin' with a lost stare,thats when i decided...
Why should I care?
'Cause you weren't there when I was scared,I was so alone
You, you need to listen
I'm startin' to trip
I'm losin' my grip
And I'm in this thing alone
Cryin' out loud I'm cryin' out loud
Cryin' out loud I'm cryin' out loud
Open your eyes Open up wide
Why should I care
'Cause you weren't there when I was scared, I was so alone
Why should I care
'Cause you weren't there when I was scared, I was so alone
Why should I care?
If you don't care, then I don't care
We're not going anywhere
Why should I care?
'Cause you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone
Why should I care?
If you don't care, then I don't care
We're not goin anywhere

Day 36

3rd day! Survived half the week.. YEAH~!

Today from the muffins people, I became the bread people.. So start off with making ciabatta? a kind of bread.. Mise en place was already prepared by the previous bread people so just need to measure the water.. However, its at 25degrees.. -.-" I have to add quite alot of ice to reach the temperature.. Dots. Then put into the mixer.. Get scolded again by almost using the wrong machine.. -.-"

After the dough is done, we let it ferment and went to make the tortilla dough.. And roll it into balls.. At first I not sure how to do it, the surface didn't come out smooth enough.. Then chef show me how to do it and it became a piece of cake! Haha.. So fun to roll things.. :)

When the fermentation is done, we fold it and let it ferment again. After that we cut it into 8 parts and let it rest for 10mins.. After that we stretch and put in on hotel pan. And proof it. Then went to do stewarding awhile then move on to bagels.

Making the bagels using the mise en place prepared.. Once the dough is done, we bring it to the table and start to fold and roll it.. Then we make them into long rolls and make a ring to form the bagels. So fun. Just like the tortilla dough, once you got the hang of it. Its really easy to do and you can complete it faster.

Then we prepare mise en place for foccacia. I sliced the onions.. Sad to say, they're not very uniform.. After skills camp and production stock side, I didn't really cut alot onions.. Haha. And I can't cook at home for the past 1 month.. So rusty. Haha.. Anyway I mixed it with the olive oil and roast inside the oven.. That's about all the things I've done today..

We didn't have food tasting today cause we were late for lecture.. Sigh. I was really looking forward to eat all those freshly baked food.. But no choice.. Sigh.. Lecture was quite funny today.. We laugh alot.. Haha..

After that went to see our mentor for comis challenge and listen to the answers for the test.. I realised I got alot of the questions wrong. -.-" My grades sure going to be humilating. I have to rush off earlier from the meeting cause I had something on.. As I was late already, I ran in the rain. Guess what? The so called safety boots that can walk on slippery surface without making you slip, made me fell. Both my knees scratch and bleed. It had been quite long since I last fell, I wasn't enjoying at all. -.-" And my boots one of the tip got chip off. XX -.-" The worst thing is, I can't find my new shoe polish to attempt to cover it..

I'm just so tired and hurt.

Save me

I'm going crazy with all these things that keep happening to me.

I've done all the things that I could and I dare to say I've tried my best.

But I can't be the only one who is giving in all the time. Its unfair. In relationship, both party must contribute for it to work..

The one thing that I love the most is becoming hell to me.

If someone can resue me from this misery, I'll be eternally grateful.

Why is it so hard to be happy? Nothing good happen to me this year. NONE. And I thought it will be the best year ever..

I'm falling to pieces and you don't care. Keep torturing me..

I'm so tired now that I felt like dying.. Really feel like giving up on every single thing. I'm really tired.

Why no one understands how I feel? Is it so hard to find someone who understand? How come after so long.. You still don't understand? Why is it so hard to understand somebody? I thought I knew you.. But I don't..

There's so much that I have to say.. But you don't listens.. Then what's the point of me saying?

Keeping so many unhappiness inside is really suffocating.. And it doesn't help when more are coming and keep piling.. I'm buried under all these unhappiness..

When will that someone come and make me happy? Unhappy is not what I like to do.. But recently.. It seems to be my best friend..

I don't want to think anymore.. But its hard when its happening almost everyday..

I thought today is one of the rare days this year that I felt happy the whole day. I was wrong. I ended the day this way. Feeling this way.

Day 10

Just as I expected. A day of disaster. Today is Daphne's series of unfortunate events. You will understand what I meant once you read this post. Just for your information, I'm typing this with one eye open cause the other one is swollen. (Told you I'm unfortunate today..) SOBS If you're wondering why am I still blogging is because it is easier than cutting carrots now.

I shall start by stating the list of my unfortunate events today..

1. Woke up early in the morning, lots thunder, start raining, have to carry all the heavy stuff with umbrella to school. (this is small matter, you will see what happen later)
2. Walk halfway to the bus stop with all those stuff to realise that I forgot to bring my homework ONIONS. Went back to take, saw the bus from a distance, run marathon. (too much exercise for early in the morning)
3. Due to the rain, jam. I transfer bus, waited very long. Reached school close to 7.20am. Panic, cause my neckerchief usually will give me lots problem..
4. Took the stairs up to as it is faster than lift. Halfway, I almost slipped and roll down the stairs. Lucky my shoe have the hook thing.. If not, you most likely won't see me for at least a few days.. -.-"
5. Finally reached the 3rd storey, panic again. Nobody is there at all. Hurry went to change, and my neckerchief, as expected, problems. I think my neck too skinny.
6. During roll call, my baby hairs keep dropping out. Then just nice when teacher come, one of them fall onto my shoulder. Lucky never deduct marks. But after that need to take temperature due to the swine flu, then I realised I left mine inside my bag. To think I'm the one who reminded others to bring.. -.-"
7. My stomach keep aching throughout the whole duration of demo and half the day for no reason.
8. Polenta makes things worse, so not nice to taste. And I have to keep trying it to ensure that the season is good. (You won't wanna know how it taste like.. >.<)
9. I got alot of stain on my apron. Even from sanitiser. Can't believe it.
10. I was removing the fats from the ribs then the knife slice my finger. It turned out that I used the wrong knife, it is very flexible.. Plus, first use = very sharp. Surprisely, I didn't felt much pain.. Just numb.. Maybe I'm used to myself cutting myself?? Dots. But this is only the 4th or 5th times?
11. Going home, transfer bus. Jam. Get down to transfer, waited for 28 for 19mins. And it moves very slow.. I already feeling very tired plus I waited for it for so long..
12. Take lift, Got a few people get in, stop almost every level. How unlucky can I get?
13. Eating dinner halfway, suddenly felt my eye very weird. Go look into mirror, swollen. Oh my goodness. I put some medication then continue watch tv. 5mins later, felt weirder, like something blocking my view, half of my eye is swollen. Can you believe this? Now I can hardly open my right eye, even if I open, its hard to see too..
14. And I haven't done my carrot homework yet! How to cut in this state? I will cut myself more than the carrot.
15. I just heard the news that 30 states got swine flu now. The earth is really deadly now. Plants and animals extinct, ice caps melting, deadly diseases everywhere.. Some people still don't care, killing earth even more. I hope I'm dead by the time human kind extinct.. That will be fortunate in a way I guess..

Now that you have read till this point, do you agree with the above statement, I'm extremely unlucky today? Now the swollen part is not getting bigger anymore, at least I hope it is not.. Think will start chopping my carrot at around 9.30 or 10pm..

Back to day 10. We made braised beef short ribs with polenta (that not nice grainy yellow thingy) and roasted vegetables. I've no idea how the short ribs taste like cause its not cooked yet and will only get to taste it tomorrow if I go to school. Polenta is definitely not something I would say nice. Roasted vegetables was not bad.. I learnt something today, you can replace brown stock or demi glace with red wine. It will make the ribs tasted even better :)

Lunch had 1hr30mins, surprisingly long. Went to design school but I ate my banana with walnut bread with mushroom soup and tea. Weird combination but who cares? My stomach already pain, no difference. After that is knife skills.. Batonnet, julienne, sliced onions, diced onions, minced shallots, minced garlic, chopped parsley and tomato concasse.. Managed to complete everything on time.. Got praised by teacher so makes my mood slightly better..

That's all for today.. I actually wanted to play the game I got yesterday.. But due to this stupid swollen eye that I can't play! Or cut my carrot.. No choice, just that I don't think it will be of good quality.. (Blame the bug or whatever mysterious object that make my eye swollen) I'm going to attempt now.. Wish me luck! And pray that I won't cut myself again. I lost too much blood already..

PS If I made any spelling error, please let me know, I'll correct it once my eye recover (if I remember).. But I don't think have any.. Haha..

On 1st day

It wasn't the best way to start the whole semster. Seriously.

Missed the bus. Reach school at 7.25am, not enought time to change. Had problem with my neckerchief. Late for roll call. Socks not high enough. Some strand of hair fall out from hat, messy hair. Forgot to bring lock for locker. Place items in lockers without locks. was confiscated. No money for lunch, had to borrow. One last thing that makes this day so perfect is that I cut my fingers 3 times, not in a row but sigh. Lost at least a tablespoon of blood. Had a hard time stopping it. Oh yes, my chef uniform got stain by tomato.. -.-" WHAT A DAY!!!

We had homework for knife skills. We had to cut medium dice (1cmX1cmX1cm) and brunoise (3mmX3mmX3mm) from a carrot. Luckily in school, we had practiced so it wasn't that hard but it still took me about an hour just to cut them.. At least my trimming was not so bad.. I didn't waste alot.. Here's some pictures of my brunoise! Not perfect cut but I've improved! I just realised that for the knife skills assessment on day 1, I got a C.. Well 1st day so.. There's a long way to go!

My brunoise

I thought culinary is easy. I was very wrong.. But I didn't regret my path though.. Just that before today, I didn't expect that the training will be so tiring.. After school, which end at 5pm, reach home around 7 plus. Eat, bathe, do homeowork, mise en place (preparation):P By the time all these tasks are completed, its time for bed! So there's not much time left for other things.. I wonder how am I going to cope with projects! I don't even dare to think about it.

This explains why its so hard to get into this course.. You get the strictest training, with high expectation. So that when go into the working industry, it will not be that difficult. But currently, I'm deprived of sleep.. Sobs. I just hope I won't dozed off while cutting the vegetables because the next time you see me, I won't have any hands. Touch wood.

This also reminds me, I cut my fingers maybe is because I said if I cut myself its a perfect day for me. Me and my big mouth. Let's hope they heals soon and no scars cause I'm really in pain.