said & done

Its raining really heavily.. As if the rain can understand what I'm feeling now..

Asking me to have a walk in the rain..

Because no one can see or hear my tears..

Today is not a good day..

But can't say its a bad day either..

Because I've done something good..

Something that I should have done long ago..

Its not good for me but good for you..

Rain.. I hope you won't stop raining..

Then I know at least you're here with me when I'm sad..

But I won't tell you the truth that's for sure..

The more I say the more you say

The more I know.. I just know..

That me, this girl, can only stay like this..

Yeah, I'll smile and laugh as if nothing is wrong cause I won't say anymore..

I won't try anymore..

Don't dare to try anymore..

Truth hurts. More than anything else..

HAIZ

Why do you have to keep confusing me?
I don't find it funny or interesting at all..
Keep lying and lying, in the end I also know its not the truth so what for lie?
I was actually feeling fine today, for a change, and you just have to...
Sigh..
Don't wanna say anymore.. Just make me feel worse?
What do you want from me actually? :(

(0.0)

I have realised that I haven't been updating for very very long. 1 week behind now.. However I can't really update now due to the fact that I've to wake up early tomorrow for work and I need to sleep soon though I've no feeling of sleeping D:

So I'll update tomorrow I guess.. But wingyan coming over :) So I see my mood :P Recently on the radio heard alot of good songs with meaningful lyrics.. Will post them soon to increase temptation :D

Some really describes my mood at a certain point in time, learnt how to sing the songs in like within 15mins? If only I have this power for my studies then I'll never have to worry about my grades again.. Haha. Too bad for me :(

My computer is getting more and more lag and my posts and updates are getting shorter and shorter as I forgot to update and when I update I forgot what happened days ago. So much for my memory..

But recently wasn't in very good mood however I believe that wasn't the reason to my not updating cause I enjoy typing.. Maybe its just plain lazy. Highly possible HAHA. I'm going to make a blog skin soon.. When I have time :) I wonder when will that be?

Everyday headache about what to wear to work.. SIGH. Got clothes but I don't know what to wear :(

why oh why is this happening to me?

I'm really disappointed nowadays.. Disappointed with myself.. & the fact that I'm not even as important as your _______ & your_____. Sigh. What can I say?

Maybe I shouldn't say anymore.. Just hurting myself this way.. Sigh.. I just wish this is a nightmare and I can wake up from it.. But too bad.. It just isn't.. Its cold hard reality..

Really tired and stressed.. From work and _____.

What's happening to me? What's happening to us? What will happen to us? I really don't know.. And I think its best if I don't hope anymore..

I've lost. I give up. I surrender. I just can't do it anymore.. Too tiring & you're not helping..

You only get one shot, so make it count you might never get this moment again..

The clock is ticking down, its the final round..

So tell me what is it stopping you now?

You never know, unless you try, you'll only regret sitting wondering at night..

You only get one shot so watch this moment go by.. When love's on the line..

This is really last chance.. I can't take another blow.. Don't force me to say goodbye.

sigh..

Recently mood very bad.. Hence didn't write much.. Grandpa stuff, mum stuff, work stuff, school stuff, relationship stuff.. Driving me insane.. Sigh. Really don't know what to say anymore..

Cherish while you can or you surely will regret.. UNLESS you don't care, then its a totally different issue altogether..

ARGH. BAD MOOD >:(

its juz too sudden..

Went to work as usual.. Today I start at 10am.. Reached just nice, do my usual stuff.. Was quite tired so don't have much energy.. Everyone was very concern and keep asking me to rest, why I'm unhappy..

Little did I know that I'm feeling down early in the morning, there's a reason behind it.. Frankly speaking, this is written days after it happened.. So I can't really remember what I did today.. Probably about the same as every other day..

The only thing I remember is changing the timing of next day schedule to 3 to 11.. And I was unhappy mainly cause of what ET did.. Sigh..

After work, I was about to go changed, my head chef asked me if I'm free to go to the headquarter with him.. He wanted to introduce me to the higher level.. Of course I said yes. I was about to go to change when my mum called.. It was exactly 5pm..

I answered. She said, my grandfather has left. I got a shocked. She continued, that the exact timing is actually 1plus.. I asked her why she didn't tell me earlier, but she said thats because I'm working.. But... :( I told her I can't go straight cause my chef wanted to bring me to headquarter, she says its okay and I can join them after that since even if I went I can't do anything..

Hang up, changed, sit outside and wait for chef.. Although I'm not very close to him, I couldn't control my tears.. When my chef come out, he saw me crying, he asked.. At first I couldn't bring myself to say it out.. When I did, immediately he asked me to go home..

I said its okay, I have permission from my mum but he still asked me to go.. Then he told me that the rest of the week I don't have to come, he'll cover the duties for me.. I don't feel good about this so I decline the offer.. And after discussing with my mum, I feel that I should go to work as it will keep me from thinking too much.. So I told my chef I'll still come in for work the next day..

I went home to put my stuff and shower before I went to my grandmother's house.. Its just too sudden.. To the extent as if everything is fake.. Just can't believe it.. And the last time I saw him is on Chinese New Year, the only time I said to him, I think, is happy new year, I wish you good health.. :'(

My poor mum.. I know she's sad but she is keeping it in, she looks like she aged over night.. Tried to comfort her but I don't know what to do.. Sigh.. As I'll be working the next day, I went home with brother, dad.. My sister stayed over to accompany my mum..

At night I just couldn't sleep.. Maybe I'm not used to having the room all by myself.. Maybe I'm affected by this.. Maybe I'm very tired but just can't sleep.. Maybe I'm thinking too much.. Maybe I'm just having insomnia.. Maybe maybe maybe.. I just can't sleep..

10 songs 1 mood

First saw you at the video exchange

I know my heart and it will never change

This temp work be alright if you call me

You call me

I lied awake at night for you

And I prayed

We crossed the deepest ocean

Cargo across the sea

And if you don't believe me

Just put your hands on me

And all the constellations

Shine out for us to see

And if you don't believe me

Just put your hands on me

The subway radiates with heat

We barely met but still I crossed the street to your door

And it rains in your bedroom when everything's wrong

It rains when you're here

And it rains when you're gone

Cause I was there when you said forever and always

You didn't mean it baby

In an ordinary fairytale land

There's a promise of a perfect happy end

And I imagine heaven just sort of that, it's better than nothing

In the corner of my mind

I knew too well

That surely even I deserve the best

But instead of leaving I just put the issue to bed and out of my head

And just when I believed you've changed for good

Well you go and prove me wrong just like I knew you would

When I've run out of second chances you give me that look

And you're off the hook

You'll be mine

Forever and almost always

It ain't right to just love me when you can, yeah

I won't wait patiently

Or wake up everyday just hoping that you'll still care

What am I still doing here

It's all becoming so clear

One day I'll turn around

I'll see your hand reach out

I'm only fooling myself oh

But maybe when you smile

It means you'd stay awhile

Just maybe you'd save me now

According to you

I'm stupid, I'm useless

I can't do anything right

According to you

I'm difficult, hard to please

Forever changing my mind

According to you

I'm boring, I'm moody

And you can't take me any place

I'm the girl with the worst attention span

You're the boy who puts up with that

According to you, according you

Here we are, seven days

And seven nights of empty tries

It's ritual, habitual

But it's never gonna work this time

We're to the point of no return

And along the way the only thing we've learnt

Is how to hurt each other

I'm looking back and wondering why

It took so long to realise

That nothing's changed, it never will

All these years of standing still

And still we stay in all this pain

And nothing's gonna make it go away

I don't wanna wait another minute

Put me out of my misery

I can read your mind baby you're not in it

And we're not what we used to be

No you wouldn't have to lie to me

If you would only let me go

And I don't wanna wait another minute to hear

Something that I already know

I know, I know, I know

Something that I already know

I know, I know, I know

I can't sleep

Everything I ever knew

Is a lie without you

I can't breathe

When my heart is broke in two

There's no beat, without you

You're not gone, but you're not here

Instead that's the way it seems tonight

If we could try to end these wards

I know that we can make it right

Cause baby

I don't wanna fight no more

I forgot what we were fighting for

And this loneliness that's in my heart

Won't let me be apart from you

I don't want to have to try

Girl to live without you in my life

So I'm hoping we can start tonight

Cause I don't wanna fight

No more..

How can I live

When everything that I adore

And everything I'm living for

Girl it's in you

I can't dream

Sleepless nights have got me bad

The only dream I ever had

Is being with you

I know that we can make it right

It's gonna take a little time

Let's not leave ourselves with no way out

Let's not cross that line

And I can't breathe without you

But I have to

Breathe without you

But I have to

You're the only thing I know like the back of my head

Listen to me hear what I say

I don't wanna feel

The way that I do

I just wanna be

Right here with you
I don't wanna see

See us apart

I just wanna say it straight from my heart

I miss you

Say you're sorry

That face of an angel comes out

Just when you need it to

As I pace back and forth all this time

Cause I honestly believed in you

Holding on

The days drag on

Stupid girl

I should've known, I should've known

Maybe I was naive

Got lost in your eyes

I never really had a chance

My mistake I didn't know to be in love

You had to fight to have the upper hand

I had so many dreams about you and me

Happy endings

Now I know

I'm not a princess

This ain't a fairytale

I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet

Lead her up the stairwell

This ain't Hollywood

This is a small town

I was a dreamer before you went and let me down

Now it's too late for you and your white horse

To come around

Oh whoa whoa whoa-oh

Try to catch me now

Before its too late

Its too late

To catch me now..

3rd day

Let's see how long I can last writing.. Dots.

1. Normal things plating, fries, wings, fish

2. Make tomato sauce

3. Peel potatoes

4. Pizza too much sauce

5. Slice onions, mushrooms

Can't really remember..

I was asked quite a few things that I've learnt in school but I can't remember.. :(

I'm still depressed..

:(

Work today actually quite well.. But straight after I end work, actually before I start work, in fact from yesterday after I end work, it has not been well.. Now there is only 3 words to describe how I feel. Exhausted, disappointed, miserable.

I don't feel like giving details on what happened and I don't feel like writing anything. So I'll just write what I did today to help my e-journal. I'm skipping out on the personal parts cause.. I don't want to start crying again..

Not really in order..

1. Scan finger

2. Change into uniform

3. Put bag at the special spot chef created for me, burnt my arm, left a scar

4. Fish & chips order came in, non stop making fish and chips, pizza, nachos and plating, fries, hot wings

5. Burnt my arms and hands a few more times

6. Chef taught me how to decorate pizza correctly

7. Lots orders come in, a little messed up. 20 pieces I counted 30..

8. 3 plus, ate lunch, chef cook, we chat alot

9. Mise en place, cut tomatoes, wrap shrimps, slice lemons, collect ingredients to top up, slice fillet and marinate for fish & chips

10. Drain beef to make beef patty, mixed, then wrap them.. Took me quite awhile..

11. Dinner, others ate rice and leftover from lunch staff food, but chef let me cook spaghetti

12. Another chef make cappuccino for me..

13. Make tar tar sauce..

14. Cleaned up whole kitchen cause tomorrow NEA people are coming..

15. I got the recipe book but its not updated..

Can't remember what I did anymore.. Sigh.. That might be all..

My official new nickname in the kitchen is Ah girl. Every chef calls me that.. Maybe cause I'm the only girl.. But they are very nice to me and let me try everything.. Which is good.. I'm getting hang of making fish and chips now..

But today, cause of you, I don't feel proud of myself, nor do I feel happy at all.

the news

New year day was about to be over, at that moment, I received a shocking news.

I thought it was a joke, but it was true. She's gone. Forever. On new year day. From a accident..

She was from my secondary school, knew her from the school band.. I was sec 1 when she was sec 3. 2 years older than me. She later became our band drum mayor. She was very nice to us even when we did something wrong..

I can't say that I was very close to her.. As we didn't talk much after she graduated and moved on to her polytechnic education.. But for some reasons.. I just don't wanna believe that she has passed away.. Even though I've just attended her wake..

Why is life so unfair that such a nice girl had to leave this world at such young age? How will the survivor who is her best friend live for the rest of her life with this guilt that she had caused her friend's death? Really hate this kind of situation.. Why must there be accidents, natural disasters, terrorist attacks, wars and incurable diseases? Why can't everyone live to ripe old age? I don't want to see people that I know, people who has made a difference in my life leave so early.. I didn't even have a chance to thank her for the difference that she has made.

Maybe you don't remember me.. But its okay.. You will always be remembered as a caring senior of mine. And I'm proud to know you..

Dear friends, please take good care of yourself. And be safe. Be careful in whatever you do cause life is seriously very unpredictable. If you know you gonna regret, don't do it. If you love someone, don't be afraid to tell him/her. Life is short, I'm not cursing anyone here but you can never know what will happen.. Every single day that we live is a blessing. Don't take it for granted.

Cherish the ones you love, its not too late to start now..

a for alone

In the end, I'm still here all by myself.

Alone. Only with me, myself and I and no one else..

Not even you are here..

I'm really tired of doing this and going through this again and again.. I'm just too naive to think that things will be different. I said it once twice thrice to myself and I knew it since what will happen next..

Never felt this cold.. That's not how I'm supposed to feel.. Not when I'm with you.. The coldness is what scares me.. Makes me feel like giving up..

its complicated

Simple plan - untitled
I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Skeeter Davis - end of the world
Why does the sun go on shining
Why does the sea rush to shore
Don't they know it's the end of the world
'Cause you don't love me any more

Why do the birds go on singing
Why do the stars glow above
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when I lost your love

I wake up in the morning and I wonder
Why everything's the same as it was
I can't understand, no, I can't understand
How life goes on the way it does

Why does my heart go on beating
Why do these eyes of mine cry
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when you said goodbye

Why does my heart go on beating
Why do these eyes of mine cry
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when you said goodbye..

Wonder why my mood so bad.. Sad.

SHE - 不想长大
为什么就是找不到无邪的玫瑰花
为什么遇见的王子都不够王子啊
我并不期盼他会有玻璃鞋和白马
我惊讶的是情话竟然会变成谎话
为什么幸福的青鸟要飞的那么高
为什么苹果和拥抱都可能是毒药
我从没想过有了他还孤单的可怕
我突然想起从前陪我那个洋娃娃
我不想我不想不想长大
长大后世界就没有花
我不想我不想不想长大
我宁愿永远又笨又傻
我不想我不想不想长大
长大后我就会失去他
我深爱的他深爱我的他
已经变的不像他
我不想我不想不想长大
长大后世界就没有花
我不想我不想不想长大
我宁愿永远都笨又傻
我不想我不想不想长大
长大后我就会失去他
我深爱的他深爱我的他
怎么会爱上别个他
为什么水晶球里面看不出他在变
为什么结局没欢笑而是泪流满面
我愿意在他回来前继续安静沉睡
但他已去到别座城堡吻另一双嘴
为什么对流星许愿却从来没实现
为什么英勇的骑士会比龙还危险
我当然知道这世界不会完美无暇
我只求爱情能够不要那么样复杂
我不想我不想不想长大
长大后世界就没有花
我不想我不想不想长大
我宁愿永远都笨又傻
我不想我不想不想长大
长大后我就会失去他
我深爱的他深爱我的他
怎么会爱上别个他
让我们回去从前好不好
天真愚蠢快乐美好
我不想我不想不想长大
长大后世界就没有花
我不想我不想不想长大
我宁愿永远都笨又傻
我不想我不想不想长大
长大后我就会失去他
我深爱的他深爱我的他
怎么会爱上别个他

Sigh..
童安格 - 其实你不懂我的心
你说我像云捉摸不定
其实你不懂我的心
你说我像梦忽远又忽近
其实你不懂我的心
你说我像谜总看不清
其实我永不在乎掩藏真心

When can I be myself again?
I know silence is golden but..
The silence now.. is scaring me..

dream & reality

Wonder why dream and reality are always so different.. In dreams, you always get what you want, do things exactly the way you want to.. You might have nightmares sometimes, but its not often.. Usually you dream of what you want..

But in reality, its different.. What you dream, is totally opposite of what you wanted.. And what you dream, you can never have it.. A dream will remained as a dream.. If it comes true, you're very lucky.. But most of the time, they don't..

Reality is cruel. They gave you things that you don't want to face, tell you things that you don't want to know.. And you can't reject them.. You have to face the truth and think of solutions which are hard to find sometimes.. Truth hurts..

Used to think that I've everything.. Friends that I can always depend on, family who will always be there for me, my studies are good, my health is good, my love life is great, my work is fine.. But.. That was in the past.. Things are no longer the same.. I'm tired of how things are going now.. Things don't make as much sense to me now.. I'm tired of doing things that nobody bothers.. If everybody don't care, there's isn't any point in me caring so much right? Will that make any difference? I don't know..

Tried my best but was treated like a ghost invisible to naked eye.. My health now is not as good anymore.. After that fall, I realised, my body is actually very weak.. I won't be surprised if my life span is very short.. Who cares about this? Nobody does.. Not anymore..

I should be happy.. Should be happy now.. Especially when I'm cooking.. But all I felt like just now is crap. I don't have to die from sickness, accidents.. Cause words are powerful enough to kill me..

Nobody try to know me.. In the end.. I'm still a stranger to you..

Its too late for me to give up now.. And I don't want to.. But I'm stuck.. In confusion.. I'm falling apart.. Cry out for help but no one can hear me.. Who cares? No big deal.. I'm just a stranger..

I'm convinced that I'm nothing

It started out to be a good day. Got a surprise wake up call.. Almost missed the bus but caught it in the end..

But from the moment I stepped into the kitchen, it wasn't good at all. I cut myself while opening the cupboard, the whole piece of skin came off and bleed. 2nd time I sliced myself while cutting mangos..

Today was a very busy day.. Last day of service, so sugarloaf was extremely crowded. Kept rushing up and down to bring the food.. End of the day, practice for commis challenge.. Our group did 1 dish only.. The crepe, but we spent 3hours making it cause it keep going wrong.. 

I've realised today that I'm really invisible. People can't see me at all. I'm convinced that I'm nothing. I mean nothing. Definitely not anyone of any importance and can definitely do without.. 

People I hope will show concern to me, didn't care. People that showed me their concern, I appreciated it alot. It don't mean nothing to me.. Some people do it just a little too late.. Too late to change anything..

This time round, I'm certain that I'm not thinking too much. Right, that's all I can say. It's so obvious. It all means nothing.. Cause I'm nothing. Is this a sign for me to stop and let go? From what I see, the sign is telling me to get lost.. Telling me that I don't belong here.. The place where I thought I should be.. It was too good to be true.. 

After all that have been said and done, I can't be me anymore.. Anyway, that's no such thing as me in the first place.. I don't exist at all.. I'm nothing. I'm invisible.. 

sigh..

I think I let my life revolve too much around something.. So much that I think it should stop.. My new resolution, send my phone to service. Anyway my bill exploded at the start of the month. Luckily I have unlimited sms.. Now it seems like there's no point in having this unlimited thingy.. 

School left 2 weeks.. I shall concentrate on enjoying what's left of the practicum and stop thinking about something that I shouldn't be or can't be.. 

Sigh.. I wonder why my self confidence became lower each day.. I wish I wasn't me.. 

sobs

I really don't know what I should do anymore.. I don't even know what's wrong?

Sigh.. I'm so tired. Both pysically and mentally.. Energy drink don't help at all.. Seriously..

Today school went quite smoothly though we have quite a lot of customers.. Not to mention that 24pax.. It was hectic yet fun.. I was in charge of plating the dessert, espresso profiteroles.. :) I'm addicted to it now. Hehe.

Now I'm not in the mood to talk about school or even about what's going on in my life..

In life, nothing is predictable. Just like the weather, even though they say that it will be a sunny day, but there're still chances that it will rain. And in some cases, it really did. This applies to life too.. One second its perfect but the next you might already lost what you had.. It may not be important to you, but usually what you lose, is something precious to you..

Isn't life strange? You know that its bad for you yet you still do it. Just like junk food is always taste better than your usual fare.. Just like when you're young, you dream of growing up.. Then when you growed up, you wished that you can stay forever young.. Dream of the days when you don't have to worry about a single thing. The days when you can smile and be happy no matter what happen.. The days when you're scared you can run and hide behind your parents knowing that they'll protect you.. The days when you're so innocent and don't know about anything at all.. Knowing too much, not necessary is a good thing.. Trying to understand someone might not be a wise choice either too..

Just like life, human are hard to understand too.. Cause everybody is different and that's what makes them unique. But because everybody is different, even twins, you don't know what's on their mind.. No matter how hard you try, it's not possible to understand a person fully.. You might thought that you knew that person, but actually you don't.

Looking back on those days when I had my fun.. When I was happy.. When everyday, I really smile and is happy.. But as life goes on, more worries, more smile and happiness taken away from me.. Now my playlist if full of sad and emo songs, no longer happy songs.. But there isn't much happy songs to start with anyway.. So it doesn't make much difference.. But still.. I wish I can be happier..

I've identified one of my personality.. Straight forward. I just speak my mind, speak for myself, speak for my heart. However, I've come to realised that, in order to survived in this complicated world, one must learn not to reveal too much of his true self to the world.. Its a very dangerous move to make.. Cause people might make use of your weakness to attack you.. And its true.. They might smile at you, but behind your back you won't know what they did. Perhaps, its better not to know..

Trying to escape from reality is a suffocating thing to do. Cause life hurts so much that you wanna hide from the rest of the world.. Wanna hide behind your parents just like when you're small.. But you can't do that anymore.. Your parents are too old to protect you.. Then you start to wonder why is there so many bad things happening in this world.. Why don't people care for each other anymore? Are they too busy trying to live that they forgot about what else is important in their lives?

Sometimes words are better off unsaid.. Sometimes words are easier to be understood when read.. Sometimes.. You just have to learn when to let go.. You caught a rare bird, it has beautiful feathers and lovely voice.. You played with it everyday, show it off to your friends.. But living in a small little cage is not what it wanna be.. It dream of flying in the big blue sky, carefree.. Not stuck in the small little metal cage. So no matter how much you love it, you must set it free cause its the best for it..

Making decisions and not regretting making them, is not easy. You will regret them in some part of your life although you know that its the right decision to make at that point in time.. Accepting the outcome is another thing that you've to face.. Something that I don't wanna know.. If I have to find a song that describes me to you, it'll be "when you say nothing at all" and the phrase will be "you said it best, when you say nothing at all"..

I've already become very quiet compare to my old loud voice.. Now when I speak, people can barely hear me.. Which is very unusual in a way.. And it doesn't just apply to when I'm outside, at home is the same.. I wonder when will I be allowed to be myself again.. When will my reflection shows who am I inside?

Recently kept having weird dreams.. About myself dying in different scenario.. Maybe that day is not long off.. What do I have to regret about? Nothing. I've said my piece, I've said what I wanna say while I still can, while you still can hear me.. in person.. But since you're not interested, I shall not say again.. I don't mind repeating myself if you're willing to listen.. The thing is, are you?

Thought of going jogging to take my mind off all these unhappiness.. But I'm so tired that my legs are so heavy that they don't even have the strength to support my body.. Whole day I've to drag myself around.. I've lost.. Lost the reason to fight..Fight for what belonged to me.. What I thought belonged to me.. Something that never belonged to me..

Wake up very early in the morning, trying to brighten your day by giving you a smile. Chasing after a bus, fell down during the process just to catch a glimps of your face.. Staring at your face, trying to get a better look of your face, deep inside, wished that your sight will be on me too.. Trying to be understanding, in the process, understood a lot more.. You can see and feel a lot more when you're in the shadows.. You can hear more when there's silence.. You understood more hints when it's quiet.. You can feel a lot more with your heart and hurt more if its empty.. Empty not because there's nothing inside.. But because of what you understood..

Why do I cry don't even want to.. I thought I was only being called a crybaby when I was a little girl.. Now its just like the tap to the tears supply has broken.. Can no longer control it.. I just can't be happy.. Can't be me.. Now the girl you know, is not me.. The real me is not like this.. Is not a crybaby.. In fact is a chatterbox, is a cheerful and happy girl.. Look at this stupid girl now.. All she know now is doing the wrong things and keep crying.. And that's all she knows how to do.. Cause she had lost everything.. Including herself..

This girl walked on the streets, her old friends can't even recognize her. Cause she had became a totally different person. Someone of totally opposite personality. She's trying to retrieve back the reason to live.. Her reason for living.. She wanted to do a lot of things, don't know why all those things are just so hard to do.. It seems easy but just keep failing.. Do dreams even come true at all..

Behind the clouds - Brad Paisley
When you're feeling lonely, lost and let down
Seems like those dark skies are following you around
And life's just one big shade of gray
You wonder if you'll see the light of day

Behind the clouds, the sun is shining
Believe me even though you can't quite make it out
You may not see the silver lining
But there's a big blue sky waiting just behind the clouds

I've heard it said that this too shall pass
Good times or bad times, neither one lasts
But thinking that your luck won't ever change
Is like thinking it won't ever stop once it starts to rain

Behind the clouds, the sun is shining
Believe me even though you can't quite make it out
You may not see the silver lining
But there's a big blue sky waiting just behind the clouds
Yeah, there's a big blue sky waiting just behind the clouds

I shall try to believe this for awhile.. Don't know how long can I last.. My body is breaking apart.. If dreams come true, it means that the dreams that I had about me dying will come true too right? Maybe then, you can finally willing to take a good look of my face..

emo

Today's just like another other day I had recently, I just felt like crying.. If only there's a place where I can hide and just let it go.. If crying can make me feel better, I think I'll do that..

I wish I don't have to go through these every single day..

It seems like every questions that I asked everybody is a stupid question when they said that there's no such thing as a stupid question.. How irony.. But this is what you answered me. Can't you see how much I need to hear that from you? There's so many things that I want you know.. If it takes you forever, I want you to know..

Save you - simple plan

Take a breath
I pull myself together
Just another step till I reach the door
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you
I wish that I could tell you something
To take it all away

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I won't give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

When I hear your voice
Its drowning in a whisper
It's just skin and bones
There's nothing left to take
And no matter what I do I can't make you feel better
If only I could find the answer
To help me understand

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

That if you fall, stumble down
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall
Oh you know I'll be there for you

(Ahahaha)
If only I could find the answer
To take it all away

Sometimes i wish i could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
(Oh)
I wish I could save you
I want you to know
(Ohohh)
I wish I could save you (oh)

Instead of saving others, I guess I need someone to save me more now.. I feel so helpless..

sian

Tomorrow will be the first day at top table.. Yet my entries stops at 3rd week of baking and pastry.. Dots. That's like 3 weeks ago.. Wonder when I'll ever catch up.. So tired.. Yet can't fall asleep.. There's just too much things on my mind right now..

Oh my goodness.. 14 days. Can I last that long? Sigh..

If only you knew what's on my mind right now..

Things I'll never say..

just another song

Just another perfect song for my lousy mood..

Be good to me - Ashley Tisdale
Everyday is getting worse
Do the same things and it hurts
I don't know if I should cry
All I know is that I'm tryin'
I wanna believe in you
I wanna believe in you
But you make it so hard to do
What's the point of makin' plans
You break all the ones we had
I don't know where we went wrong
Cuz we used to be so strong
I wanna believe in you
I wanna believe in you
So why can't you be
Be good to me
I don't ask for much
All I want is love
Someone to see
That's all I need
Somebody to be
Somebody to be
Somebody to be
Good to me
Good to me
Can you be good to me
Good to me
Please
I used to think I had it all
Then one day we hit a wall
I had hoped you were the one
Where's my dream, where has it gone
I wanted to be with you
Forever just me and you
So why can't you be
Be good to me
I don't ask for much
All I want is love
Someone to see
That's all I need
Somebody to be
Somebody to be
Somebody to be
Good to me
Good to me
Can you be good to me
Good to me
Please
Where do I go from here
You've gotten under my skin
And I don't know how
To get out of this place that I'm in
I don't ask for much
All I want is love
Someone to see
That's all I need
Somebody to be
Somebody to be
Somebody to be
Good to me
Good to me
Can you be good to me
Good to me
Please
I don't ask for much
All I want is love
Someone to see
That's all I need
Somebody to be
Someone to be
Somebody to be
Good to me
Good to me
Can you be good to me
Good to me
Please

i'm so tired..

Suddenly felt this way.. Maybe it always has been this way.. Just that I didn't realised.. What am I supposed to do now? Everything seems so wrong and I can't do anything to make things better.. I feel so useless.. Maybe I'm really useless.. Can't do things right..

我想我会一直孤单
这一辈子都这么孤单
我想我会一直孤单
这样孤单一辈子
天空越蔚蓝
越怕抬头看
电影越圆满
就越觉得伤感
有越多的时间
就越觉得不安
因为我总是孤单
过着孤单的日子
喜欢的人不出现
出现的人不喜欢
有的爱犹豫不决
还在想他就离开
想过要将就一点
却发现将就更难
于是我学着乐观
过着孤单的日子
当孤单已经变成一种习惯
习惯到我已经不再去想该怎么办
就算心烦意乱
就算没有人作伴
自由和落寞之间怎么换算
我独自走在街上看着天空找不到答案
我没有答案
当孤单已经变成一种习惯
习惯到我已经不再去想该怎么办
就算心烦意乱
就算没有人作伴
自由和落寞之间怎么换算
我独自走在街上看着天空找不到答案
我没有答案
天空越蔚蓝
越怕抬头看
电影越圆满
就越觉得伤感
有越多的时间
就越觉得不安
因为我总是孤单
过着孤单的日子

I no longer have a definite answer.. I was certain before now I'm confused.. What I want and what I need is so simple yet so hard to achieve.. What's so hard about that, I really don't understand.. Maybe I'm just not suitable..

I've lost my smile somewhere.. Can't find it anymore.. Found myself crying to sleep every night.. Since when I've become so emotional? Maybe it's a hint that I just can't decode.. But its kinda obvious.. Why do I feel so low, so empty, so lonely lately..

I have a pair of hands, I'm healthy?, I'm some skills?, at least I know, no matter what, I can still depends on myself.. Even if no one else cared, at least I will care for myself.. And that's a little comforting I guess..

Now I'm becoming emo too.. =.= Sigh.. I might not have the brightest or charming smile, but I really hate to cry.. Sad to say, crying, has become one of my daily routine..