sobs

I really don't know what I should do anymore.. I don't even know what's wrong?

Sigh.. I'm so tired. Both pysically and mentally.. Energy drink don't help at all.. Seriously..

Today school went quite smoothly though we have quite a lot of customers.. Not to mention that 24pax.. It was hectic yet fun.. I was in charge of plating the dessert, espresso profiteroles.. :) I'm addicted to it now. Hehe.

Now I'm not in the mood to talk about school or even about what's going on in my life..

In life, nothing is predictable. Just like the weather, even though they say that it will be a sunny day, but there're still chances that it will rain. And in some cases, it really did. This applies to life too.. One second its perfect but the next you might already lost what you had.. It may not be important to you, but usually what you lose, is something precious to you..

Isn't life strange? You know that its bad for you yet you still do it. Just like junk food is always taste better than your usual fare.. Just like when you're young, you dream of growing up.. Then when you growed up, you wished that you can stay forever young.. Dream of the days when you don't have to worry about a single thing. The days when you can smile and be happy no matter what happen.. The days when you're scared you can run and hide behind your parents knowing that they'll protect you.. The days when you're so innocent and don't know about anything at all.. Knowing too much, not necessary is a good thing.. Trying to understand someone might not be a wise choice either too..

Just like life, human are hard to understand too.. Cause everybody is different and that's what makes them unique. But because everybody is different, even twins, you don't know what's on their mind.. No matter how hard you try, it's not possible to understand a person fully.. You might thought that you knew that person, but actually you don't.

Looking back on those days when I had my fun.. When I was happy.. When everyday, I really smile and is happy.. But as life goes on, more worries, more smile and happiness taken away from me.. Now my playlist if full of sad and emo songs, no longer happy songs.. But there isn't much happy songs to start with anyway.. So it doesn't make much difference.. But still.. I wish I can be happier..

I've identified one of my personality.. Straight forward. I just speak my mind, speak for myself, speak for my heart. However, I've come to realised that, in order to survived in this complicated world, one must learn not to reveal too much of his true self to the world.. Its a very dangerous move to make.. Cause people might make use of your weakness to attack you.. And its true.. They might smile at you, but behind your back you won't know what they did. Perhaps, its better not to know..

Trying to escape from reality is a suffocating thing to do. Cause life hurts so much that you wanna hide from the rest of the world.. Wanna hide behind your parents just like when you're small.. But you can't do that anymore.. Your parents are too old to protect you.. Then you start to wonder why is there so many bad things happening in this world.. Why don't people care for each other anymore? Are they too busy trying to live that they forgot about what else is important in their lives?

Sometimes words are better off unsaid.. Sometimes words are easier to be understood when read.. Sometimes.. You just have to learn when to let go.. You caught a rare bird, it has beautiful feathers and lovely voice.. You played with it everyday, show it off to your friends.. But living in a small little cage is not what it wanna be.. It dream of flying in the big blue sky, carefree.. Not stuck in the small little metal cage. So no matter how much you love it, you must set it free cause its the best for it..

Making decisions and not regretting making them, is not easy. You will regret them in some part of your life although you know that its the right decision to make at that point in time.. Accepting the outcome is another thing that you've to face.. Something that I don't wanna know.. If I have to find a song that describes me to you, it'll be "when you say nothing at all" and the phrase will be "you said it best, when you say nothing at all"..

I've already become very quiet compare to my old loud voice.. Now when I speak, people can barely hear me.. Which is very unusual in a way.. And it doesn't just apply to when I'm outside, at home is the same.. I wonder when will I be allowed to be myself again.. When will my reflection shows who am I inside?

Recently kept having weird dreams.. About myself dying in different scenario.. Maybe that day is not long off.. What do I have to regret about? Nothing. I've said my piece, I've said what I wanna say while I still can, while you still can hear me.. in person.. But since you're not interested, I shall not say again.. I don't mind repeating myself if you're willing to listen.. The thing is, are you?

Thought of going jogging to take my mind off all these unhappiness.. But I'm so tired that my legs are so heavy that they don't even have the strength to support my body.. Whole day I've to drag myself around.. I've lost.. Lost the reason to fight..Fight for what belonged to me.. What I thought belonged to me.. Something that never belonged to me..

Wake up very early in the morning, trying to brighten your day by giving you a smile. Chasing after a bus, fell down during the process just to catch a glimps of your face.. Staring at your face, trying to get a better look of your face, deep inside, wished that your sight will be on me too.. Trying to be understanding, in the process, understood a lot more.. You can see and feel a lot more when you're in the shadows.. You can hear more when there's silence.. You understood more hints when it's quiet.. You can feel a lot more with your heart and hurt more if its empty.. Empty not because there's nothing inside.. But because of what you understood..

Why do I cry don't even want to.. I thought I was only being called a crybaby when I was a little girl.. Now its just like the tap to the tears supply has broken.. Can no longer control it.. I just can't be happy.. Can't be me.. Now the girl you know, is not me.. The real me is not like this.. Is not a crybaby.. In fact is a chatterbox, is a cheerful and happy girl.. Look at this stupid girl now.. All she know now is doing the wrong things and keep crying.. And that's all she knows how to do.. Cause she had lost everything.. Including herself..

This girl walked on the streets, her old friends can't even recognize her. Cause she had became a totally different person. Someone of totally opposite personality. She's trying to retrieve back the reason to live.. Her reason for living.. She wanted to do a lot of things, don't know why all those things are just so hard to do.. It seems easy but just keep failing.. Do dreams even come true at all..

Behind the clouds - Brad Paisley
When you're feeling lonely, lost and let down
Seems like those dark skies are following you around
And life's just one big shade of gray
You wonder if you'll see the light of day

Behind the clouds, the sun is shining
Believe me even though you can't quite make it out
You may not see the silver lining
But there's a big blue sky waiting just behind the clouds

I've heard it said that this too shall pass
Good times or bad times, neither one lasts
But thinking that your luck won't ever change
Is like thinking it won't ever stop once it starts to rain

Behind the clouds, the sun is shining
Believe me even though you can't quite make it out
You may not see the silver lining
But there's a big blue sky waiting just behind the clouds
Yeah, there's a big blue sky waiting just behind the clouds

I shall try to believe this for awhile.. Don't know how long can I last.. My body is breaking apart.. If dreams come true, it means that the dreams that I had about me dying will come true too right? Maybe then, you can finally willing to take a good look of my face..