i wonder how i wonder why

Just suddenly feel emo now..
It just comes suddenly this weird feeling..
I finally realised what I wanted and what I need..
But the sad thing is that I can never have it..
At least, not in this life..
Its within my reach but its not meant for me..
Sigh..

Things I'll never say.. Things you'll never know..
Even if my happiness is short term..
At least that period I still wanna be happy..
Too bad you don't know..
That actually my 6th sense is quite strong and I can tell..
I can tell that I'm just substitute.. Just for show..

My old problem coming back to haunt me..
Heart and kidney.. So unlucky..
Gotta take more notice now..
No appetite really don't know why..
Lucky had a great dinner today..
Cause that's the only meal I had today..
Don't feel like eating, don't know is it cause no mood?
Or something is seriously wrong with my body?
But I'm not becoming thinner so it might not be anything at all..

I know everything now crystal clear..
Can't go to anyone just myself..
Will just keep everything to myself till its all over..
Go to a place where no one can find me..
A place that is very quiet..
Peaceful.. No stress..
Just me and the sky..
The sea and sands..
Find a spot and bury it all away..
Then maybe I can try and be happy again..
Just me myself and I.. Against the world..

It has been a very tiring and stressful journey..
Full of ups and downs.. More downs than ups in fact..
Been through different situations..
Experienced different emotions..
Been loved and cherished..
But not for long..

I don't know what else to say except that I'm really tired..
I wanna have a rest.. Hopefully fall asleep and never wake up..
But that is very unlikely to happen..
I just.. Wanna find a place to hide..
Somewhere where I can cry in peace..
Till I'll never need to do that again..
I'm not strong, but I will learn to..
All these things that I went through changed me..
For good or bad I not sure..
All I know is I am now different..
And I'm going to run away..
Lucky now is holiday, no school to prevent me from running..

Maybe I'll reply messages maybe I will answer calls
The possibilities are quite low though,,
But don't worry cause when I'm back
These things wont hurt me again

Here's a song from final fantasy 8, eyes on me
Don't why this song just pop out in my head as I was typing this..

I never sang my songs

On a stage, on my own

I never said my words

Wishing they would be heard

I saw you smiling at me

Was it real? Or just my fantasy?

You'll always be there in the corner

Of this tiny little bar

My last night here for you

Same old song just once more

My last night here with you

Maybe yes, maybe no

I kinda like it your way

How you shyly placed your eyes on me

Did you ever know?

That I had mine on you

Darling so there you are

With that look on your face

As if you never hurt

As if you never down

Shall I be the one for you?

Who pinches you softly, but sure

If frown is shown then

I will know that you're no dreamer

So let me come to you

Close as I wanna be

Close enough for me

To feel your heart beating fast

And stay there as whisper

How I loved your peaceful eyes on me

Did you ever know?

That I had mine on you

Darling so share with me

Your love if you have enough

Your tears if you're holding back

Or pain if that's what it is

How can I let you know?

I'm more than the dress and the voice

Just reach me out then

You will know that you're not dreaming

i surrender manos al aire

That's right.. I'm giving up on everything..
Won't believe there's such thing as true love.
Love don't last forever..
Won't believe that dreams will come true someday cause they don't..
Won't believe that you'll change cause you never will..
I'm leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again..
I don't even know if I'll be back..
I loved you enough to let you go
Love you enough to know that I'm not the right one for you
Not the one that you wanna
Not the one you love..
Not the one for you..
I don't want to get hurt anymore
So I'm running away first..
Catch me if you can..
But I doubt you will cause for me to get out of your life is all you ever wanted..
I can't turn to anyone at this state..
Can't tell anyone just stuck inside till I burst..
I hope that day come soon cause there won't be anymore me to irritate anyone
You're finally free..
After thinking so long..
You're finally free..
Just stop killing me..
I already knew that
You don't have to say it all over again..
I know when to get lost quietly..
I'll just say everything I can remember that I wanna say for the last time..
And you won't hear from me anymore..
I'm tired of crying tired of hurting tired of dying
If you wanna kill me, just get it right at one go, don't torture me like this..
I'm really tired..
I wish I can be happy..
And that's just too much to ask for..
Knew it was too good to be true that anyone would actually fall for a girl like me
I'm no longer confident.. Everything I do keep going wrong..
Everything I say makes things worse and they don't really mean what I wanna say..
People are using me for various purposes..
Is anybody going to save me
Can anyone save me?
I'm dying of pain..
Left with nothing but a empty shell..

DAMN im emo again D:

I tried to be perfect it just doesn't worth it..
One day I'll turn around, I'll see your hand reached out, I'm only fooling myself..
Sigh.. Why do I feel so sad.
Can't do anything today..
Kept thinking about things that I shouldn't be..
Feel like banging wall.. Oh wait. I already did..
Today work kept forgetting what I'm supposed to do..
The things I did can never get any smiley face from them..
Another black face.. Another lousy day..
Been daydreaming too much I guess..
Think and dream too much about things that obviously not gonna happen..
Sigh. That's why they're called dream and dream never comes true..
Too good to be true..
That's what I thought too..
Been trying to fool myself saying that I will not be unhappy..
However just like loneliness, unhappiness know me by name too :(
Its just so hard to stay happy even for a second..
Life's so great that I feel like crying..
The good thing about crying is that you'll feel much better usually after crying out loud..
BUT I have problems for crying too.. What a problematic child :(
1. Can't cry at home cause parents will ask too much, tired of saying its cause of stress..
2. Cry outside people kept staring.. If at night can't stay out too late and there's stray cats staring :(
3. I've cried so much that I think I forgot how to cry now.. No more tears left..

Guess that I'm used to getting and being hurt..
Just one day.. All I'm asking for is just one day..
To be really happy.
And I really don't mind dying after that cause for the first time, I'm finally happy..
Somehow this is also a dream that will never come true though..
He won't give me happiness, I can't find it from anybody or anywhere else too..
Sometimes I really wonder what's wrong with me..
Yeah I know I think too much and I've come to realise from this experience..
If airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars, I can really use a wish right now :(

I don't know what else to do I'm confused I'm hurt I'm depressed I'm disappointed
So I'm running away..
From now on I won't be me anymore
I will just plaster a smile on the face no matter what..
I don't want to think don't want to dream don't want to talk don't want to say don't want to listen don't want to see anymore..
I'm tired of the way I'm being treated
I'm tired of being substitute
I'm tired of being unhappy cause of you
I'm tired of being disappointed again and again and again and again..

I know everything by now.. It's crystal clear.. So clear that it just pierce me right through my already broken heart..
When can I ever be important to someone?
Be important enough to be treated well?
Why am I always being lied to?
What makes you think I won't know the truth?
It's staring straight at me but I just choose not to believe..
Now even if I try to ignore it keeps coming back..
You're never willing..
To be good to me..

Mixed and match

Currently, I can't sleep.. My dream shoes is giving me a hard time :( but i still ♥ it anyway. Heh. Will get used to it.. ONE DAY! :) Almost stuck outside for the night.. T.T

Suddenly got the temptation to write something that consists nothing by lyrics.. Hmmm.. I bet only me will understand what I'm actually trying to say? Who knows.. Just waiting for my hair to drryyyyy~~

I'm over your lies
And I'm over yours games
And I'm over you asking me when you know I'm not okay
Oh, that's why your eyes I'm over it
So sure I'm over it
Realised, I'm over it, I'm over it
Wanting you to wanting me
No that's ain't the way to be
How I feel, read my lips
Cause I'm so over
Moving on it's my time
You never were a friend of mine
Hurt at first, a little bit
But now I'm so over
I'm so over it~

I'm not your anchor so don't hold on
I'm not the answer, you got me wrong
I'm not your savior, save your energy
To find out who you are, who you are without me

I'm not a mirror look inside yourself
I'm not a hero you know too well
I'm not your savior save your energy
To find out who you are, who you are without me

And I still believe in happy endings
But this just isn't where I wanna spend mine
I believe in now I just said it

You'll be mine, forever and almost always
It ain't right to love me when you can, yeah
I won't wait patiently
I won't wake up everyday just hoping that you still care

We started as friends, but something happens inside me
Now I'm reading into everything but there's no sign of you hear the lightening baby

You don't ever notice me, turning on my charm
I wonder why I always where you are
I made it obvious
Done everything but sing it
I'm not so good with words
But since you never noticed
The way that we belonged
I'll sing it in a love song

I'm not the girl that you see in the magazine
Perfect face and perfect body
Never be anything but what I am, what I am
I can't bend to your expection
Look to fulfill any fantasy
But if what I am is what you need

Love me for me
And not for someone you wished that I could be
Cause what you get is what you see
I can't be anymore that what I am
Love me for me, or don't love me

According to you I'm stupid I'm useless I can't do anything right
According to you I'm difficult hard to please, forever changing my mind
I'm a mess in a dress can't show up on time
Even if it saves my life, according to you

According to you I'm boring I'm moody, you can't take me any place
According to you I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away
According to you, according to you

But according to him
I'm beautiful incredible, he can't get me out of his head
But according to him
I'm funny, irresistible
Everything he ever wanted

Everything is opposite
I don't feel like stopping it
Baby tell me what I got to lose
He's into me for everything I'm not
According to you

Oh no, don't go changing
That's what you told me from the start
Thought you were something different
That's when it all just fell apart
Like you're so perfect and I can't measure up
Well I'm not perfect, just all messed up

I was losing myself to somebody else
But now I see
I don't want to pretend so this is the end for you and me
Cause the girl that you want
She was tearing us apart
Cause she's everything everything I'm not

She can't see the way your eyes
Light up when you smile
She'll never notice how you stop and stare
Whenever she walks by

You can't see me wanting you the way you want her
But you're everything to me
I just wanna show you she don't even know you
She'll never love you like I want to
You just see right through me
If you only knew me
We could be a beautiful miracle unbelievable
Instead of just invisible

WOW. Just realised all emo songs :/ oh well.. What else do you expect from a emo kid?
But I haven't reach what I really wanna post though x.x and it's like 1.46am already.. Not tired but nothing else left to do.. Except to continue to blog and rot or go roll and sleep. D: Either way I'm stuck with emptiness.. All these songs are seriously tempting me to go SING :D But my voice sucks :( T.T SAD.

What I wanna do right now

I wanna.....

1. Go cycling
2. Go pinic
3. BE HAPPY
4. Ice skating
5. Fly kite
6. Walk along the beach during sunset :D
7. Run away to some deserted island and hide
8. Lie on the grass and look at the stars at night
9. Graduate successfully
10. Passed internship module without any problems
11. Travel around Singapore
12. Travel around the world
13. Scream
14. Go sing LALALALALA~
15. Ice cream <3
16. Buy that dress http://www.shoplah.com/Dresses/Y8548.htm
17. Get headphones and get stuck in my own world :)
18. To stop being sick
19. To stop crying
20. To be really really happy
21. Wingyan's cap D: ( But she'll help me buy ^^)

If anyone interested to help me with any of the above, I'll be glad to have some accompaniment. And I sure hope you can cheer me up!

since i can't sleep..

Some other updates..

1. Didn't celebrate his birthday with him cause he cancelled.
2. Was miserable cause of alot things such as grandpa passed away in the middle of my intern and I wasn't informed earlier cause I was working
3. New responsibilities related to family
4. I keep getting sick
5. 1 year anniversary I was told that it doesn't matter
6. My birthday celebration was cancelled last minute by him, had to act like I don't care. Mood all gone.
7. Trying to act happy but failed badly
8. Alot of new songs described my mood perfectly, they're now either my ringtone or my status
9. I am confused about alot of things. One thing is GUYS.
10. I got my dream shoes, super extremely happy :)
11. Am exhausted, might be collapsing soon
12. I wanna buy that dress its very very gorgeous but don't will look good on me or not :/
13. I'm going better terms with family like my sister now which is a good thing but I still can't tell them what's killing me :(

Gosh. I'm depressed again D:

so outdated

Haven't update for like 1 month? There's nothing much to say about work since I have come to realise that its almost the same every single day.. Just some new updates about work..

1. One of my chef transferred to the club
2. I changed from the deep fryer station to the salad
3. New chef came.. From shatec, just one year older than me..
4. Kitchen finally become cleaner
5. We changed cleaner for more than 10times WOW
6. I have improved? I guess.. Maybe? I hope so..

I don't know what else to say about work.. I have see through it now.. As in, I have gotten used to the way things works. AND the way certain reaction you'll get if you do or say something..

Somehow they have the perception that school won't teach us such things like cooking, which is what I've been studying.. What school taught us, is the basic, and I know will definitely be different in the industry.. But doesn't mean that it's wrong. There are more than one way to do things. Its kinda obvious right? But here, you can't do your own way EVEN IF is better. They tell you not to learn what they're doing, however you have to do what they did. Which is confusing. Especially when everyone is doing different things and they expect you to do what they are doing as they believe they're right.

Hey, I'm not saying that you're wrong, but everyone have their own stand right? I can't follow blindly without knowing what I'm doing. But if ask too much I will received comments like you work here how long already still don't know? Sometimes I just don't want to make any mistakes and to prevent that I ask.. And that is what I got..

When everybody's in bad mood. Guess who gets it? The trainee of course! :( What to do? I'm just a trainee, I have no say.. That's why I got bullied also can't say anything. Not that it happens everyday.. But still.. That manager.. Sigh.

I realised people don't really like to take responsibility, whenever there's chance they'll push the blame to someone else.. Like me. Manager told me the other day that the customer complained about me.. Saying what he called me to call the service staff when in the first place he never even talk to me.

He waved. Yeah, I saw but I wasn't the service staff. ITS VERY VERY OBVIOUS SINCE I"M WEARING CHEF WHITE. Still, I turned my head, one head pouring drinks but facing guest. Manager walking towards him. The other staff taking orders but facing him as well. So there's THREE people looking at him right. So I continued to do my work as I was carrying alot of things at that time.

Oh, I was sent to collect things to do the mise en place by the way. But when I returned. 1. I got scolded for taking too many things saying the kitchen is too small but he say go take. 2. Manager say guest complain me. HOW GREAT?

Immediately my mood become very bad. I just keep quiet. I mean, you don't expect me to scream at them right? I tried to explain myself, but to them it's always either finding excuses or being rude. Kitchen can be noisy, with the machines working, water flowing, radio playing, people talking. Sometimes people can't hear what you talking so you speak louder. Aha. Once you become louder, they say you're being rude. Great.

My internal locus of control really need to be improved on.. Cause that day.. I was feeling very unhappy and with people keep saying and saying. I lost control of my tears.. Sigh. Embarrassed myself again. Too emotional.. :(

I tried my best, really to do well cause this is what I wanna do.. But. When your effort is not being appreciated, when they say you're forgetting what they taught when you didn't, when they say you're insulting your school cause you're so lousy in what you're doing, when you're being scolded for things that you didn't do, when you're just trying so badly to fit in and be happy.. And none of it goes exactly the way you planned it.. Its just depressing.. But you still have to smile and stuff everything else inside your small little heart hoping it won't burst..

That's why I am unhappy. Come to work happily, people give you black face all the way. Try to cheer them up, say jokes, they say you're not concentrating on your work. Concentrating on your work, they talk to you if your reply is not being heard, you're being rude. So you know what? My conclusion is, guys are weirder than girls. -.- Sigh. Just too complicated for me..

All these depressing stuff makes me wonder am I really suitable to be in this line.. So motivating not. I really like working here.. Just that its getting more and more demoralising.. Sad. Daph, please get used to these soon and be happy again..

fri fri fri fri fri fri fri fri

Start at 10, today very slow don't know why.. Maybe cause I didn't have enough sleep the previous night cause I was too unhappy..

Service flow was alright.. People came to borrow things, come and go.. Finished mise en place for the day and weekend quite fast..

Lunch received bad news. Waited for nothing. Had lunch come back, still nothing much to do.. Clean up the kitchen....

Then we talked and make fun of each other.. Relaxed abit more.. Nothing much to say..

I practically emo the whole day..

At night panic and worried like crazy but I don't feel like explaining here.. Kinda pointless cause it won't help..

why oh why is this happening to me?

I'm really disappointed nowadays.. Disappointed with myself.. & the fact that I'm not even as important as your _______ & your_____. Sigh. What can I say?

Maybe I shouldn't say anymore.. Just hurting myself this way.. Sigh.. I just wish this is a nightmare and I can wake up from it.. But too bad.. It just isn't.. Its cold hard reality..

Really tired and stressed.. From work and _____.

What's happening to me? What's happening to us? What will happen to us? I really don't know.. And I think its best if I don't hope anymore..

I've lost. I give up. I surrender. I just can't do it anymore.. Too tiring & you're not helping..

You only get one shot, so make it count you might never get this moment again..

The clock is ticking down, its the final round..

So tell me what is it stopping you now?

You never know, unless you try, you'll only regret sitting wondering at night..

You only get one shot so watch this moment go by.. When love's on the line..

This is really last chance.. I can't take another blow.. Don't force me to say goodbye.

i'll update tmr..

Not in a good mood today. Very unhappy.

If this continues, I'm going to give up.

If you don't care, that I'm not going to stay and care. Its not fair at all for me.

I've been hurt enough.

I thought you are different, it turned out that you are almost the same.

Maybe, probably, that I'm not what I think I am to you..

3rd opening

For some weird reasons, they kept saying I only do 2 things during opening when I did more than that..

- bake patties

- cook rice

- top up sauce

- take out everything

- check for spoilage

- check if anything need top up

- set up stations

These are only 2? :(

My chili con carne job was taken by Mr A and he did it wrongly.. So.. Nevermind. Plus I heard that he's quitting. This is his last week. Phew.

Today quite alot people order fish and chips. Almost not enough.. I sliced mushroom halfway got orders I go do then job snatched again. So irritating.

Then I was told to slice the burger bread and put butter, garlic bread, etc BREADS. In the process I accidentally cut my finger -.-" Oh well. After lunch I made curry chicken and see and guide Mr A how to do CCC. Sigh.

There wasn't much to do after lunch. But I learnt how to make the cobb salad and in the process of learning, Mr B come and mess things up. So irritating.

I think .. That's all.. Feel a bit emo cause my chefs kept saying I doing not very well.. Although they never scold but I know that they are disappointed :( So tired..

10 songs 1 mood

First saw you at the video exchange

I know my heart and it will never change

This temp work be alright if you call me

You call me

I lied awake at night for you

And I prayed

We crossed the deepest ocean

Cargo across the sea

And if you don't believe me

Just put your hands on me

And all the constellations

Shine out for us to see

And if you don't believe me

Just put your hands on me

The subway radiates with heat

We barely met but still I crossed the street to your door

And it rains in your bedroom when everything's wrong

It rains when you're here

And it rains when you're gone

Cause I was there when you said forever and always

You didn't mean it baby

In an ordinary fairytale land

There's a promise of a perfect happy end

And I imagine heaven just sort of that, it's better than nothing

In the corner of my mind

I knew too well

That surely even I deserve the best

But instead of leaving I just put the issue to bed and out of my head

And just when I believed you've changed for good

Well you go and prove me wrong just like I knew you would

When I've run out of second chances you give me that look

And you're off the hook

You'll be mine

Forever and almost always

It ain't right to just love me when you can, yeah

I won't wait patiently

Or wake up everyday just hoping that you'll still care

What am I still doing here

It's all becoming so clear

One day I'll turn around

I'll see your hand reach out

I'm only fooling myself oh

But maybe when you smile

It means you'd stay awhile

Just maybe you'd save me now

According to you

I'm stupid, I'm useless

I can't do anything right

According to you

I'm difficult, hard to please

Forever changing my mind

According to you

I'm boring, I'm moody

And you can't take me any place

I'm the girl with the worst attention span

You're the boy who puts up with that

According to you, according you

Here we are, seven days

And seven nights of empty tries

It's ritual, habitual

But it's never gonna work this time

We're to the point of no return

And along the way the only thing we've learnt

Is how to hurt each other

I'm looking back and wondering why

It took so long to realise

That nothing's changed, it never will

All these years of standing still

And still we stay in all this pain

And nothing's gonna make it go away

I don't wanna wait another minute

Put me out of my misery

I can read your mind baby you're not in it

And we're not what we used to be

No you wouldn't have to lie to me

If you would only let me go

And I don't wanna wait another minute to hear

Something that I already know

I know, I know, I know

Something that I already know

I know, I know, I know

I can't sleep

Everything I ever knew

Is a lie without you

I can't breathe

When my heart is broke in two

There's no beat, without you

You're not gone, but you're not here

Instead that's the way it seems tonight

If we could try to end these wards

I know that we can make it right

Cause baby

I don't wanna fight no more

I forgot what we were fighting for

And this loneliness that's in my heart

Won't let me be apart from you

I don't want to have to try

Girl to live without you in my life

So I'm hoping we can start tonight

Cause I don't wanna fight

No more..

How can I live

When everything that I adore

And everything I'm living for

Girl it's in you

I can't dream

Sleepless nights have got me bad

The only dream I ever had

Is being with you

I know that we can make it right

It's gonna take a little time

Let's not leave ourselves with no way out

Let's not cross that line

And I can't breathe without you

But I have to

Breathe without you

But I have to

You're the only thing I know like the back of my head

Listen to me hear what I say

I don't wanna feel

The way that I do

I just wanna be

Right here with you
I don't wanna see

See us apart

I just wanna say it straight from my heart

I miss you

Say you're sorry

That face of an angel comes out

Just when you need it to

As I pace back and forth all this time

Cause I honestly believed in you

Holding on

The days drag on

Stupid girl

I should've known, I should've known

Maybe I was naive

Got lost in your eyes

I never really had a chance

My mistake I didn't know to be in love

You had to fight to have the upper hand

I had so many dreams about you and me

Happy endings

Now I know

I'm not a princess

This ain't a fairytale

I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet

Lead her up the stairwell

This ain't Hollywood

This is a small town

I was a dreamer before you went and let me down

Now it's too late for you and your white horse

To come around

Oh whoa whoa whoa-oh

Try to catch me now

Before its too late

Its too late

To catch me now..

t stands for tears

Today when I start work, doing opening and stuff my chefs keep saying why my energy level so low.. I feel normal but quite happy cause I'll be spending the evening with my beloved xue sheng.. Haven't seen her for 2 years.. I was looking forward to meet her :)

So whole day work not very good. They say I don't remember the things they taught but actually.. I just haven't do yet.. But I didn't say anything to rebut.. Too tired and too rude to do that..

My tasks today was snatched by Mr A and another Mr B. I didn't get to do the things I never do before and was assigned to. My vegetables collected was taken away without my permission, when I went to hunt for those again, they are out of stock.. Now I have to postpone the things to tomorrow..

My other chefs told me to endure cause I'm just a trainee chef, and they will be leaving in 1 more week.. I just hope tomorrow will be a better day at work.. So now I'll just briefly list what I did at work..

1. opening: cook rice, defrost stuff, roast bacon, cook patties, collect ingredients, marinate fish but my chef said i only do 2 things.. -.-"

2. daily stuff, clean up, marinate more fish, slice tomatoes

3. make tomato sauce

4. prepare for chili con carne but ingredients got stolen so had to postpone

5. stewarding cause my jobs snatch by other "hardworking" people

Seriously, if you're busy when your stuff, don't snatch everything away. I also need to work! I was supposed to prepare lemons then snatch by other people like Mr B. I see eggs cooked already want to peel, Mr B although busy he still snatch. What to do? His rank is higher. But tomorrow onwards, if its mine, I won't let you do it. Like that how do I learn things?

That's work.

Cause they snatched everything away, I got nothing to do, was told to stay outside till its time to knock off. Colleagues are surprised at how different I look after I changed. I'M NOT FROM CHINA, THANK YOU. I'M PURELY MADE IN SINGAPORE! What the hell. Stop asking me this stupid question whether I'm from China anot. No offense but this is the same as saying I do certain things but I never did. I don't have anything against China or people from there, some people I knew are great, but I just wished at least recognise me as a Singaporean, I'm proud of being a Singaporean :(

Anyway, I went to meet yingying.. We were supposed to go timbre, but in the end we lost our way and the walk in time is over, so we went to another place instead. Raffles City, some chinese restaurant. Hong Kong food, very nice :) Actually we couldn't decide what to eat but in the end it turned out that we made the right choice by choosing the restaurant with more people and the food. I had the fried seafood noodles, very fragrant and tasty. She had baked chicken rice, cheesy and creamy :D She ordered milk tea but the tea taste too strong, not balanced. I had the mango breeze, its a ice blended quite nice and taste like mango?

Then we went to esplanade to take pictures.. At the lobby there's a band called B5 playing canon in D, in different version. They have trumpet, tuba, trombone, french horn. Relaxing music. Got some very interesting ones whereby we either look too yellow or too white. Haha. But its fun. Then we give up at the location cause its too dark. So we walk around the area instead.

After that we walked to clarke quay to take mrt.. Quite a long walk but we had a good chat.. Its good to meet up with friends once in a while, repair the lost friendship.. I hope to meet up with more people soon :) And do somethings together..

For people who don't know, or you think you know me, actually you don't. There's alot things that you don't know and maybe will never know about me. But its okay, sometimes its fun to be mysterious to a certain extent :x But yeah, actually I like sports :( But I got nobody to do with.. It is kinda boring to do it alone and some can't do alone.. Like badminton? And somethings are fun to do with others like ice skating? I'm not going professional so I don't practice by myself thus yeah.. But if its something that I don't know and really really really bad at it no matter how hard I try like bowling and snooker then its okay :)

I just wish everything will be fine soon. If, only.. This is something I can wake up from..

My A-Z all day everyday

A: angry, annoyed, anxious

B: Belittled, betrayed, believed, berserk, broken

C: cried, crying, concerned, camouflage

D: devastated, depressed, disappointed, dying

E: enough, excited, empathy, edgy, exhausted

F: fear, fierce, forever

G: generous, greedy, grateful

H: helpful

I: isolated, insecure, insane

J: joking

K: killing

L: lonely, loving, lack confident

M: meaningless, mad

N: needy

O: over-emotional

P: pleading, planning, predicted

Q: questioning

R: reactions, responses

S: sad, screams

T: thorn, torn, tears

U: US, upset

V: vain

W: why, where, whom

X: that

Y: YOU

Z: this

new day bad start

For some reason, I told my mum to wake me up at 8.45 when I'm supposed to leave house at 9.. -.-" Reached there around 9.40+ I thought I will be late but in there I reached there before anyone else did.. Stuck outside for quite some time..

When my chef came and open the door then I went in.. But can't sign in yet cause manager not here yet. Thus it seems like I'm late.. But its not my fault so sigh, don't care..

Do opening and wait for the rest to come and of course, the customers.. For some reason today I keep having headache.. Might be due to last night stuff.. Anyway, today is a bad day. Keep doing wrong things, can't concentrate.

Thanks to me, today staff food got extra dishes. 2 portions of fish and chips plus pizza. Dots. I got teased by my head chef.. Though he never scold me at all, I still feel bad for messing things up.. No energy no mood headache..

Made mixed salad.. Just some frisee and carrot.. Do until my hands very pain.. Its freezing cold and my hands are sore.. :( Work,,

Think that's all I did today.. At work..

yesterday & today

Yesterday and today, both days I woke up getting scolded by my mother about some stupid things that I didn't do, means not my fault. But I still get scolded and that really make my mood very bad.

Yesterday I got lost while going to work, again. But today I didn't.

Yesterday I brought a lot of things to work. Today I don't have to.

Yesterday I had a good day at work. Today I had a good day too.

Yesterday I've learnt alot of things. Today I learnt more and try to master some.

Yesterday I couldn't reach you. Today I could but I wish I can't.

Yesterday you didn't bother and its the same as Today.

Yesterday I fell asleep crying. Today I cried before I sleep.

Yesterday I think about you. Today I think I should forget about you.

Yesterday you didn't try. Today you try harder to kill me.

Yesterday yesterday I was fortunate. Yesterday Today I'm not.

I was happy before but now I'm not.

You used to care but now you don't.

Other people showed more concern than you. And you still think that you did nothing wrong.

You thought I don't know but actually I know.

I used to know you but now I don't.

I'm so tired but I can't lean on you.

So sad but I can't tell you.

So happy but I can't share with you either.

Angry and you won't listen.

Sick, where are you?

Yet you are there when I needed something, when I need help desperately.

Is that really you? The one who is there?

You are there but you are not here.

Or you have a split personality?

I tried saying but it won't come out.

Tried to give up so many times but I just couldn't do it..

I can only cry.

Things that I can tell no one. Nobody knows the truth.

Truth hurts, it already killed me.

But I can't say..

I can't tell you why..

So don't ask.

Just lend me your shoulder to cry..

Maybe one day when my tears all dried up, my miseries will all be gone.

tell me why??!!

Why must this year be the special year where valentine's day is on chinese new year? :( Can't have the best of both world.. Sad. First time celebrating valentine but have to cut it short :( Not that I mind going over to celebrate new year, but still.. It will be so much more fun if both were on different days.. Then I don't have to worry about anything and just enjoy myself :( Now I can only half enjoy cause I had to leave halfway..........

Why this year every time I wanna go out will clash with other things? A few weeks ago even worse.. 2 birthday party plus a date and work.. How to juggle? In the end I had to miss the parties cause of timing clashes.. Can't meet up with my friends.. At least he was there to accompany so its not that bad.. But if only they're on different days.. Then it will be awesome! Too bad it isn't..

Service is finally over.. However, I don't feel the sense of achievement that I should.. Being steward most of the time, how much have I learnt? I have no idea.. All the other things I only tried once or twice.. So much for all these months.. Sigh. Anyway, its already over. What else can I say? I'm tired of saying them over and over especially when the people who are concerned are not listening.. So no point in continuing to make myself more depressed than I already am..

After this week, its the exam.. Haven't really started on my revision yet.. Been so busy with projects and stuff.. Sigh. I'm so dead.

I haven't seen him for quite awhile.. I also didn't visit my grandparents for quite some time.. Both I wanna go but I can't be at both places at the same time :( And mum is not very happy about the fact that I might show up later.. Sigh. HOW??! I'm having internal conflict now.. Whether to spend more time with him cause it's valentine's day or spend more with my family cause it's new year? AHHHHHHHHHH! I don't want either party to think that I'm prioritize them over another.. Both equally important to me :( HELP! DORAEMON I NEED YOUR HELP! :( I wanna cut myself into half then problem solved already :( SOBS

moody

Haven't been updating again.. So tired in school.. Been busy with projects and service :( Hardly have any time for anything else..

Was quite unhappy and tired and not to mention stressed. So much to do, so little time.. Sigh. I feel so sick..

Today in school, I finally lost control of myself, of my emotion, can't help but :'( Sigh. Maybe I'm not that good at it, but if you don't even let me try, how will I ever improve?

Wonder why so many negative things keep happening to me lately............

so disappointed

I am so disappointed with myself.

There's so many things to say but I guess I'll leave it to tomorrow cause I need to rest now.. Or I'll never recover from this stupid illness.

Promise I'll update all the stupid things that happened this week.

I'm just so unlucky and disappointed. Right, I'm also depressed. How great is that?

its eve

Last day of 2009 yet I'm feeling like _______ please fill in the blank.

Had a long day in school practicing for proficiency test.. Wanted to go out with friends but due to monetary restrictions I'm unable to do so.. Feel like sleeping whole day..

Now the mood is not something you wanna imagine. What can I say now? What should I say now? I don't know.. There's this temptation to give up.. But I don't want to.. Its.. such as waste.. And I still feel the same as I did that day.. But why is this happening?

I don't want to continue to 2010 in this mood, with these kind of feeling.. Waiting for a miracle to happen and I hope it will.. If it don't.. I don't know what I'll do.. 1 hour. Miracle, please happen now.. I really need your help alot right now.. Please save me. Save us..