my plans for tmr..

Supposed to be happily playing badminton..

But I think I should go for a long walk.. A few hours walk.. Maybe I can walk at least half of the country tomorrow.. Go back to the place where it started.. See if I can get my happiness back..

In just a few weeks, things have changed so much.. I feel so useless.. Maybe I really am..

Lost count of how many times I'm feeling depressed this year.. It's just not my year.. For a person who was born on Friday the 13th, how lucky can she be? Can't seems to do anything right..

Am I such a lousy person? I'm such a failure.. Can't even be a proper person..

So tired.. So lonely.. So.. sad. So scared.. But I can't turn to anyone..
Despite the fact that I hate to be alone, I'm always alone..
I'm so easily forgotten.. It had be proven..
Be it in school or anywhere else..
It's always me, myself, and I.

So I'm kinda used to keeping quiet now..
About things that happened or how I felt..
So what if I say them out, will anyone listen? No. Not like anyone is interested in how I am feeling.. Or what I am going through.. Isn't it better to shut up? No one will feel irritated with me talking.. Then everybody will be happy.

At least here.. I don't have to worry about who will be angry with me.. I can't see who is angry anyway.. Besides.. Do anyone else read this besides me? Ha. I doubt anyone will be interested in reading such a boring blog full of words and just words..

I think I've spent at least 1/3 of this year emo-ing and complaining about myself.. Who knows, my computer is tired of me saying all these.. Yeah, I'm going crazy. In the first place, I wasn't in the right state of mind anyway.. Maybe I'm crazy, that's why things became this way.. To the point where I don't know what I should do anymore.. What is right and what is wrong.. It's just a matter of perception..

Human beings, are so complicated. Life is so complicated. I wish I don't have to wake up from my dream.. At least in there, I'm happy, I don't have to cry every one or two days.. At least.. I don't have to be alone anymore..

which one for me?

One of the hardest parts in life is deciding when to give up and when to try harder..

I hope I don't have to give up.. I don't want to..


Staying happy, is so hard to do?

its complicated

Simple plan - untitled
I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Skeeter Davis - end of the world
Why does the sun go on shining
Why does the sea rush to shore
Don't they know it's the end of the world
'Cause you don't love me any more

Why do the birds go on singing
Why do the stars glow above
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when I lost your love

I wake up in the morning and I wonder
Why everything's the same as it was
I can't understand, no, I can't understand
How life goes on the way it does

Why does my heart go on beating
Why do these eyes of mine cry
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when you said goodbye

Why does my heart go on beating
Why do these eyes of mine cry
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when you said goodbye..

Wonder why my mood so bad.. Sad.

SHE - 不想长大
为什么就是找不到无邪的玫瑰花
为什么遇见的王子都不够王子啊
我并不期盼他会有玻璃鞋和白马
我惊讶的是情话竟然会变成谎话
为什么幸福的青鸟要飞的那么高
为什么苹果和拥抱都可能是毒药
我从没想过有了他还孤单的可怕
我突然想起从前陪我那个洋娃娃
我不想我不想不想长大
长大后世界就没有花
我不想我不想不想长大
我宁愿永远又笨又傻
我不想我不想不想长大
长大后我就会失去他
我深爱的他深爱我的他
已经变的不像他
我不想我不想不想长大
长大后世界就没有花
我不想我不想不想长大
我宁愿永远都笨又傻
我不想我不想不想长大
长大后我就会失去他
我深爱的他深爱我的他
怎么会爱上别个他
为什么水晶球里面看不出他在变
为什么结局没欢笑而是泪流满面
我愿意在他回来前继续安静沉睡
但他已去到别座城堡吻另一双嘴
为什么对流星许愿却从来没实现
为什么英勇的骑士会比龙还危险
我当然知道这世界不会完美无暇
我只求爱情能够不要那么样复杂
我不想我不想不想长大
长大后世界就没有花
我不想我不想不想长大
我宁愿永远都笨又傻
我不想我不想不想长大
长大后我就会失去他
我深爱的他深爱我的他
怎么会爱上别个他
让我们回去从前好不好
天真愚蠢快乐美好
我不想我不想不想长大
长大后世界就没有花
我不想我不想不想长大
我宁愿永远都笨又傻
我不想我不想不想长大
长大后我就会失去他
我深爱的他深爱我的他
怎么会爱上别个他

Sigh..
童安格 - 其实你不懂我的心
你说我像云捉摸不定
其实你不懂我的心
你说我像梦忽远又忽近
其实你不懂我的心
你说我像谜总看不清
其实我永不在乎掩藏真心

When can I be myself again?
I know silence is golden but..
The silence now.. is scaring me..

wake up!

There's people talking
They talk about me
They know my name
They think they know everything
But they don't know anything
About me

Give me a dance floor
Give me a dj
Play me a record
Forget what they say
Cause I need to go
Need to getaway tonight

I put my makeup on a Saturday night
I try to make it happen
Try to make it all right
I know I make mistakes
I'm living life day to day
It's never really easy but it's ok

Wake Up Wake Up
On a Saturday night
Could be New York
Maybe Hollywood and Vine
London, Paris maybe Tokyo
There's something going on anywhere I go
Tonight
Tonight
Yeah, tonight

The city's restless
It's all around me
People in motion
Sick of all the same routines
And they need to go
They need to get away
Tonight

I put my makeup on a Saturday night
I try to make it happen
Try to make it all right
I know I make mistakes
I'm living life day to day
It's never really easy but it's ok

Wake Up Wake Up
On a Saturday night
Could be New York
Maybe Hollywood and Vine
London, Paris maybe Tokyo
There's something going on anywhere I go
Tonight
Tonight
Yeah, tonight

People all around you
Everywhere that you go
People all around you
They don't really know you
Everybody watching like it's some kind of show
Everybody's watching
They don't really know you now
(They don't really know you)
(They don't really know you)
And forever

Wake Up Wake Up
(Wake Up Wake Up)
Wake Up Wake Up
(Wake Up Wake Up)

Wake Up Wake Up
On a Saturday night
Could be New York
Maybe Hollywood and Vine
London, Paris maybe Tokyo
There's something going on anywhere I go

Wake Up Wake Up
On a Saturday night
Could be New York
Maybe Hollywood and Vine
London, Paris maybe Tokyo
There's something going on anywhere
I go
Tonight
Tonight
Yeah, tonight

By Hilary duff (:

fate? destiny? maybe..

If this is a dream, I wish I can wake up from it..
If this is reality, I wish I'm dreaming..
Too bad I can't do either..

Maybe.. I just don't belong here..

I felt sick again.. Maybe I won't survive this time..
Then you don't have to face me again..

peirce!

Just before I go..

I hope next week I can go back to peirce.. Hang around band, and make something nice for my dear junior.. Haha. After 77days in the kitchen, I don't think anyone will suffer from food poisoning, and I'm convinced that the least they'll be edible! Haha. I don't think I cook that bad right? We'll see when its done :)

complicated

How can anyone feel happiness and sadness at the same time?

Wanted to update just now but there's seriously something wrong with my computer.. Extremely lag. Same thing applies to my phone.. But I don't feel like servicing both things.. AHH. Cause I'll lose everything inside.. And I want to keep them.. But they kept giving me problems.. =.= They're forcing me to send them to "hospital"..

Holiday is officially here. Missing school already.. I'm gonna make good use of these months to get enough rest, and not to mention, earn money! I'm broke. Seriously. Not a penny to my name.. Luckily now I've quite a few job offers :) Thank you people! ^^

Going to work temporary for F1, tutor, waitress for swensens and maybe kbox? Then I hope i can set up a blogshop too :) So much to do, so little time.. More things to do is a good thing though, especially for now.. Take my mind off things.. I can hardly wait 0.0

I wanna join the NSEC & SJCC! :( Gonna come up with 2 dishes by monday.. SJCC.. I think its too late now D:

SO tired.. Working tomorrow.. 5hours.. After working 14hours yesterday, I'm just simply exhuausted.. I'M GOING TO SLEEP ^^

GOOD LUCK to all the people who are having exams :) JIAYOU (v^.^v)

dream & reality

Wonder why dream and reality are always so different.. In dreams, you always get what you want, do things exactly the way you want to.. You might have nightmares sometimes, but its not often.. Usually you dream of what you want..

But in reality, its different.. What you dream, is totally opposite of what you wanted.. And what you dream, you can never have it.. A dream will remained as a dream.. If it comes true, you're very lucky.. But most of the time, they don't..

Reality is cruel. They gave you things that you don't want to face, tell you things that you don't want to know.. And you can't reject them.. You have to face the truth and think of solutions which are hard to find sometimes.. Truth hurts..

Used to think that I've everything.. Friends that I can always depend on, family who will always be there for me, my studies are good, my health is good, my love life is great, my work is fine.. But.. That was in the past.. Things are no longer the same.. I'm tired of how things are going now.. Things don't make as much sense to me now.. I'm tired of doing things that nobody bothers.. If everybody don't care, there's isn't any point in me caring so much right? Will that make any difference? I don't know..

Tried my best but was treated like a ghost invisible to naked eye.. My health now is not as good anymore.. After that fall, I realised, my body is actually very weak.. I won't be surprised if my life span is very short.. Who cares about this? Nobody does.. Not anymore..

I should be happy.. Should be happy now.. Especially when I'm cooking.. But all I felt like just now is crap. I don't have to die from sickness, accidents.. Cause words are powerful enough to kill me..

Nobody try to know me.. In the end.. I'm still a stranger to you..

Its too late for me to give up now.. And I don't want to.. But I'm stuck.. In confusion.. I'm falling apart.. Cry out for help but no one can hear me.. Who cares? No big deal.. I'm just a stranger..

current status: white horse, exhuasted

Since tomorrow don't have to wake up so early, I decided to practice for commis challenge.. Just came back from purchasing ingredients.. And I'm already falling asleep.. Oh my.

I sure hope I'll be awake soon..

lunch XD

Had a fantastic lunch today! Its Japanese meal :D

Today we're making Japanese food.. Since we're no long open for business, all the food go to our stomach!!!! XD I haven't felt so full since don't know when.. Hehe. Let me tell you what we eat :P

Miso soup, tuna sushi, soba, teriyaki salmon, chawan mushi! We also had free food from other kitchen.. Such as the vegetable pizza (with carrot, radish and some other veggie.. -.-), salmon, muddslide cookie, and more! 

The best part is we ended school at 1plus today! After so many months, its the first time class ended that early.. But the sad thing is.. I've to wait till 3pm to meet my mentor.. Then in the end I went home at 4plus.. SOBS.

And I've 2 tests tomorrow :( Cause I missed the top table test.. AND COMMIS CHALLENGE IS COMING! Counting down.. 2 more days before AHEM. I hope everything go well for us..

dreamweaver!

I'm so glad that we have learnt dreamweaver last year! And I'm also glad that I'm good at using it and flash 5 :D Cause I've just discovered something goooood.. WAHAHAHAHA!

And I intend to try it out now.. Hope it works ^^

im soo tired

Tomorrow need to practice how to make crepe.. -.-"

I've decided to create a website again :) For self entertainment and maybe use for my new shop.. Since holidays are coming.. And semester 2 is going to be more relaxed than now :D

Can't sleep now.. Don't know why.. Though I'm feeling very sleepy.. ZZZZ! There's seriously something wrong with my internet browser.. Internet explorer, Safari and Firefox all have error.. -.-" Is it my computer or what? I think so. I'm so don't feel like sending it for service :(:(:( And facebook seems to have something against me these days.. The pages can't load! Can't even add stuff to it.. -.-

BORED.

Oh ya! I bought a fish turner today XD For the crepe flipping.. Haha. I'm still missing a rolling pin.. =.=

I'm convinced that I'm nothing

It started out to be a good day. Got a surprise wake up call.. Almost missed the bus but caught it in the end..

But from the moment I stepped into the kitchen, it wasn't good at all. I cut myself while opening the cupboard, the whole piece of skin came off and bleed. 2nd time I sliced myself while cutting mangos..

Today was a very busy day.. Last day of service, so sugarloaf was extremely crowded. Kept rushing up and down to bring the food.. End of the day, practice for commis challenge.. Our group did 1 dish only.. The crepe, but we spent 3hours making it cause it keep going wrong.. 

I've realised today that I'm really invisible. People can't see me at all. I'm convinced that I'm nothing. I mean nothing. Definitely not anyone of any importance and can definitely do without.. 

People I hope will show concern to me, didn't care. People that showed me their concern, I appreciated it alot. It don't mean nothing to me.. Some people do it just a little too late.. Too late to change anything..

This time round, I'm certain that I'm not thinking too much. Right, that's all I can say. It's so obvious. It all means nothing.. Cause I'm nothing. Is this a sign for me to stop and let go? From what I see, the sign is telling me to get lost.. Telling me that I don't belong here.. The place where I thought I should be.. It was too good to be true.. 

After all that have been said and done, I can't be me anymore.. Anyway, that's no such thing as me in the first place.. I don't exist at all.. I'm nothing. I'm invisible.. 

$$$

Holiday is coming and I require a new job or a job that pays higher than my current.. -.-" I need a change of environment.. Plus, I'm still broke! And I crave for alot of food! 

AHHHH! I want sushi, pizza, baked pasta, ice cream, chocolate, fruit tarts, omelet, black pepper pork chop, fries (but I can't eat, too salty), ribs, satays, bbq chicken wings, chawamushi, black pepper steak, mango smoothie, longan, you tiao, frostie, flakes, strawberry yoghurt, hamburgs, MOS corn soup & coffee milkshake, beef & unagi rice burger, cheese doughnut, ham & cheese sandwich, florentine (!!!!!), parfait, mango, mango pudding, cream of mushroom soup, seaweed chicken, lor mee (miss my primary school version's), shrimp tempura, pad thai, fishco fish & chip, baked potato with bacon bits, lasagna, pan cake, fried ice cream!!!!!!!!!! Oh my goodness, I'm going to become a pig. This is not even half the list! Haha. If I can managed to eat all the food I wanna eat at least once during the holiday, when I come back for school I think I'll become a hot air balloon :) But I'll be very satisfied! WAHAHAHAHAHA~ I felt like eating buffet now.. AHHH! But I'm B-R-O-K-E! SAD.

Now is the list of things I wanna do :) Eat so much must do some exercise right? Haha. Go back to band, cycling, hiking, roller blading, ice skating, jogging,play badminton, walk around aimlessly, sleep ZZZ, find food to eat, earn money, make sand castle LOL, fly kite??, eat eat eat, hang out with old friends, bake some food? OH yes, and go out with edi if he's free.. If not the last thing will be rot cause I got nothing to do.. Maybe play games.. And revive my blogshop? Haha.

I'll shall continue on the "what I wanna eat during holidays" and "what I'm doing during holidays" list when I'm free.. Maybe tomorrow :D 

I LOVE FOOD! XD

worn out

This is definitely not one of my best days.. School is tiring and wrong.. I mean things kept going wrong.. And I kept getting scolded for things that wasn't done by me.. Just my luck to be standing there when the things when wrong. Sigh..

School's out in just one more week.. Next week is commis challenge. I sure hope we can present the dishes nicely and appetising. Haha. SHould be able to right? 

We had guest lecture today on salmon.. And the following are the pictures of the food tasting..

 This is the salmon belly sushi.. 

And this is smoked salmon on potato cake!

I don't think I'll be elaborating on the taste.. Its better to try it yourself :D I'm kinda lazy today.. Very tired too.. I'm on a very healthy diet lately.. I have 3 meals per day. And I not that kind who will really eat breakfast.. But I have no choice.. Had to eat medicine after meal so.. And I try not to skip lunch.. Despite the food there that is inedible.. 30mins to hunt for food that is not salty etc is difficult.. Sigh.

Appointment with the kidney specialist is out. Now waiting for the surgery department.. I seriously hate going to the hospital.. My poor mum is sick.. Sigh.. She worried too much for me when I'm in the hospital.. 

I wanna sleep but I don't wanna sleep.. -.-" So complicated feelings.. 

spaced out

Simply exhausted these days.. Get tired easily and so not myself.. Today start with a perfect mood thanks to someone with the initial of ETEK. Haha. Throughout school, our chef is very understanding towards my condition and was very kind to me :) So it was a great day.

Like I said, WAS. Until this stupid bus driver spoils everything. After practising for our commis challenge, I when home and transferred bus. It was already 5 plus, and the weather is unusually hot. This bus 28 was the 3rd bus in queue. I couldn't reach the back cause others was blocking, so I stand at the front waiting for the 1st 2 buses to leave. And I flagged. This blind driver simply drives away. I was very angry. I see the next bus stop wasn't too far away, so I ran with my knife set and heavy bag, and flag again. Guess what? This bus driver drove away without even stopping! What kind of bus service is this? How can a bus driver like him get his license anyway? If he wasn't driving so fast I would have taken down the plate number and lodge a complaint. Cause of him, my side start to pain again. I haven't recover yet this bus driver made me run for nothing. And in the first place, I shouldn't need to run at all cause I'm at the bus stop and I FLAGGED. I seriously don't understand these kind of bus driver. What's the point of driving a bus when you don't stop for passengers? Though not all drivers at like this, but I have encountered quite a number of black sheep already and it makes me mad thinking about my past experience.. ZZZZZ. Spoil my perfect day.

I would have continue to write about something else if I wasn't feeling so tired now.. And we're having this 3hrs long lecture on salmon. Though we have food tasting session during the lecture 3hrs. I'm not sure if ny attention span is that long.. Looks like I'm going to reach home very late tomorrow.. Sad. Tomorrow will also have more vietnamese food to eat! I love Asian kitchen! Haha. We have the best chef there (:

im going insane!

I'm going nuts with all these missing and refraining.. Just my luck.. I don't know if I should do it or not. AHHHHHHHHHHH! I'm really going crazy now..

Hard as I try I know I can't quit
Something about you is so addictive
We're falling together
You think that by now I'd know
Cause here we go go go again
You never know what you want
And you never say what you mean
But I start to go insane
Every time that you look at me
You only hear half of what I say

& I promised myself I won't cry again.. But its broken..

sigh..

I think I let my life revolve too much around something.. So much that I think it should stop.. My new resolution, send my phone to service. Anyway my bill exploded at the start of the month. Luckily I have unlimited sms.. Now it seems like there's no point in having this unlimited thingy.. 

School left 2 weeks.. I shall concentrate on enjoying what's left of the practicum and stop thinking about something that I shouldn't be or can't be.. 

Sigh.. I wonder why my self confidence became lower each day.. I wish I wasn't me.. 

health status: slightly below average

So I missed 3 days of school so far. My full attendance, GONE. Sad. In addition to my misery, I was pierced by needle 7 times in 2 days.. My movement was very restricted to the bed as I was on drip.. 

It all started on last Tuesday, immediately after I reached home, I felt sick.. Luckily, SM & A who sent me home wasn't sick.. Or else.. Don't wanna think about it.. At first I thought its just the temperature difference since I got down from a car, which is air conditioned. But its not. I took my temperature, it was 37+ then.. I couldn't finish my dinner, in fact, the whole day I didn't eat much.. Lunch was only a big cup of iced milo.. Took some panadol and went to bed at 8 plus. Woke at 11plus to take medicine again, then my temperature became 38.3.. I pray that the fever will go away in the morning and went back to sleep..

In the morning, I woke up at around 6 to get ready for school.. Only to find out that my temperature had become 39.5.. I took at least 5 more times before I was convinced that the thermometer is not spoilt. Had to stay home cause no point going, I'll get sent back anyway.. Late morning, I had a severe headache  and went to see the doctor, and get mc.. He said if next day my fever go down, I'll be able to go to school.. I was so happy back then.. Cause after going to school for so long, it feels kinda weird staying home on weekdays..

At night, my headache became worse and my temperature became 39.8. So my mum took to the hospital. Until now, I'm still not sure if that is the right thing to do.. But what's done can't be undone.. So... Sigh. 

In the hospital, registration was quite fast.. It's the waiting for my turn.. I'm at the emergency side, then the nurse said I wasn't supposed to be there when the other nurses in front just told us to come here and we've already paid to see the doctor. Since we've paid, she had no choice but let us stay.. 

The doctor made me go for all sorts of tests.. Draw blood to test (1st hole), urine test, x rays.. Then he said the blood test result will be out latest at 11.30pm. LIAR. We waited till 12am still no sound from him. When we checked with the nurse, she say she don't have my file. What the hell. -.-" After another 15mins at least, the doctor see us for 5mins say everything is normal, I can go home but on mc. Then he pressed my stomach area, I say pain, then I have to stay in the hospital for one night. That's what he said. But apparently, I've stay more than just one night. And that doctor, without informing us of anything, suddenly went out and never return for very long. We only know that there was a emergency after we asked a nurse. He should at least tell us that he go attend to an emergency, how long will that take to inform us?

When he's back, he told my mum to register my stay. Then he assured us that no needles is required throughout the stay, I'm just going to sleep here, that's all. Lying again. Right after my mum is gone, he asked me to lie down on the bed and use that horrible thing to pierce through my vein so that he can put me on drip (2nd hole). It was so pain till I cry. He told me I can't eat or drink anything. Then I was pushed to the waiting area to wait for a bed. The wait took 6hours plus.. By the time I got a bed, it was close to 7am..

The doctors only came at around 9am. 5 of them. Their conclusion is I have to take another scan. And cause of that, I can't eat or drink till I have the scan.. Which they don't know when will take place. But I thought patient should have enough food and water to fight the illness, if food can't, at least water right? But CAN'T. To think I've finally gained 1kg.. -.-" No wonder when patient discharged from hospital they're always thinner.. A few of the bed around me also says no food or drink.. -.-" I never felt this thirsty before till now..

At 12, they finally confirm that the scan will take place at 3.45pm. I already without food and drink for more than 12hours. So I kept asking if I can at least drink water.. Around 1, the nurse gave me 3 slices of wholemeal bread, 2 cube of butter, and 1 small cup of milo. The bread I only ate 1 then drink the milo. 

3pm, they made me drink 1 bottle of disgusting water with some medicine inside, say it will aid the scan. I drank about 3/4, till I feel like vomiting then I stop. The scan was quite alright but I had a bad headache.. Somewhere near the end, they took my hand and say they going to put a blue needle inside. Sharp pain (3rd hole).

Next day, my left hand with the drip thingy pain, had to change side. Right side pierce through again (4th hole). More pain. Left side remove the thingy, pain(5th hole). Nurse came to do more blood test. Draw (6th hole) blood, longer than usual, pain pain pain! I had to asked the nurse to confirm that there isn't anymore needles. Throughout the first 3 days inside, my fever went up and down like roller coaster.  One second I was well, then the next I was shivering cause I got fever again. 

There's nothing to do in there except sleep. My ward is full of senior citizen and they speak dialect. So my mum bought me a soft toy to keep my company. 

TA DA. This is call cheese egg. Haha. My mum don't allow me to eat eggs so I call it egg. Since it's a giraffe, there's some orange spots on it. Then my mum say look like cheese so it become cheese egg. Haha.

On Saturday, Edison came to visit me and brought me some entertainment. His psp, haha. With a movie inside :) He also bought me a bottle of orange juice and this! See below.

A teddy bear plus a bouquet of roses ^^

Edi the bear! So cute right?

Maybe cause of the good luck, the doctor came at around 6 and say the whole day I don't have a fever and let me discharge! Yeah~ I'm soooooo happy to go home. No need to hear that annoying woman keep complaining about stupid things. I seriously pity the nurse. But anyway, I'm so glad to be home :):):)

finally!

Yeah~! I'm out and freed! Will be updating tomorrow about everything :D Its about time I do that.. Haha.

After looking at so many skins, I think I finally got the hang of editing the code (: However, my microsoft office expired -.-" So now I can't do any work using my computer.. Very inconvenient.

I'm still sick, but better.. Got to take more care of my health now.. No way am I going back to the hospital again. I've enough of it and that annoying woman (the patient next to me). And.. I also have enough of all those needles.. The holes are still very visible on my arms.. Sobs. First time poked so many times by the needles.. 7 times.. Can't believe I've survived them..

Okay.. I have to rest now :) More updates tomorrow! 

*I love my new edi bear! Hahahahahahaha! Upload its picture tomorrow ^^

:()

Me and my stupid mouth.. Yesterday I said that I would be the next person who will fall sick and it really come true.. Other things I wished will happen never come true but this? Can't believe this.. My temperature is so high -.-" So weird. 

If in the past, I wouldn't have  mind if I have to stay home instead of going to school.. But now? Are you kidding? Yeah, I know I'm sick and I shouldn't go round spreading to other people but.. Daily assessment 20marks, professionalism 10marks and not to mention that long 3hrs lectures which will cost me 30marks. Total  60marks. Oh my goodness.. This is really no joke. I can forget about my grades if I missed one.. 

My head is so pain that I can't sleep.. If not I would be enjoying my sleep now.. Sigh. I just realized I didn't see anything much today.. Breakfast as usual = NIL, lunch : one big cup of ice milo, food tasting a bit of everything.. Dinner I ate a few mouthful of the fish and veggie then I no longer have the appetite to eat. I think I going to lose weight now.. Sigh.

sobs

I really don't know what I should do anymore.. I don't even know what's wrong?

Sigh.. I'm so tired. Both pysically and mentally.. Energy drink don't help at all.. Seriously..

Today school went quite smoothly though we have quite a lot of customers.. Not to mention that 24pax.. It was hectic yet fun.. I was in charge of plating the dessert, espresso profiteroles.. :) I'm addicted to it now. Hehe.

Now I'm not in the mood to talk about school or even about what's going on in my life..

In life, nothing is predictable. Just like the weather, even though they say that it will be a sunny day, but there're still chances that it will rain. And in some cases, it really did. This applies to life too.. One second its perfect but the next you might already lost what you had.. It may not be important to you, but usually what you lose, is something precious to you..

Isn't life strange? You know that its bad for you yet you still do it. Just like junk food is always taste better than your usual fare.. Just like when you're young, you dream of growing up.. Then when you growed up, you wished that you can stay forever young.. Dream of the days when you don't have to worry about a single thing. The days when you can smile and be happy no matter what happen.. The days when you're scared you can run and hide behind your parents knowing that they'll protect you.. The days when you're so innocent and don't know about anything at all.. Knowing too much, not necessary is a good thing.. Trying to understand someone might not be a wise choice either too..

Just like life, human are hard to understand too.. Cause everybody is different and that's what makes them unique. But because everybody is different, even twins, you don't know what's on their mind.. No matter how hard you try, it's not possible to understand a person fully.. You might thought that you knew that person, but actually you don't.

Looking back on those days when I had my fun.. When I was happy.. When everyday, I really smile and is happy.. But as life goes on, more worries, more smile and happiness taken away from me.. Now my playlist if full of sad and emo songs, no longer happy songs.. But there isn't much happy songs to start with anyway.. So it doesn't make much difference.. But still.. I wish I can be happier..

I've identified one of my personality.. Straight forward. I just speak my mind, speak for myself, speak for my heart. However, I've come to realised that, in order to survived in this complicated world, one must learn not to reveal too much of his true self to the world.. Its a very dangerous move to make.. Cause people might make use of your weakness to attack you.. And its true.. They might smile at you, but behind your back you won't know what they did. Perhaps, its better not to know..

Trying to escape from reality is a suffocating thing to do. Cause life hurts so much that you wanna hide from the rest of the world.. Wanna hide behind your parents just like when you're small.. But you can't do that anymore.. Your parents are too old to protect you.. Then you start to wonder why is there so many bad things happening in this world.. Why don't people care for each other anymore? Are they too busy trying to live that they forgot about what else is important in their lives?

Sometimes words are better off unsaid.. Sometimes words are easier to be understood when read.. Sometimes.. You just have to learn when to let go.. You caught a rare bird, it has beautiful feathers and lovely voice.. You played with it everyday, show it off to your friends.. But living in a small little cage is not what it wanna be.. It dream of flying in the big blue sky, carefree.. Not stuck in the small little metal cage. So no matter how much you love it, you must set it free cause its the best for it..

Making decisions and not regretting making them, is not easy. You will regret them in some part of your life although you know that its the right decision to make at that point in time.. Accepting the outcome is another thing that you've to face.. Something that I don't wanna know.. If I have to find a song that describes me to you, it'll be "when you say nothing at all" and the phrase will be "you said it best, when you say nothing at all"..

I've already become very quiet compare to my old loud voice.. Now when I speak, people can barely hear me.. Which is very unusual in a way.. And it doesn't just apply to when I'm outside, at home is the same.. I wonder when will I be allowed to be myself again.. When will my reflection shows who am I inside?

Recently kept having weird dreams.. About myself dying in different scenario.. Maybe that day is not long off.. What do I have to regret about? Nothing. I've said my piece, I've said what I wanna say while I still can, while you still can hear me.. in person.. But since you're not interested, I shall not say again.. I don't mind repeating myself if you're willing to listen.. The thing is, are you?

Thought of going jogging to take my mind off all these unhappiness.. But I'm so tired that my legs are so heavy that they don't even have the strength to support my body.. Whole day I've to drag myself around.. I've lost.. Lost the reason to fight..Fight for what belonged to me.. What I thought belonged to me.. Something that never belonged to me..

Wake up very early in the morning, trying to brighten your day by giving you a smile. Chasing after a bus, fell down during the process just to catch a glimps of your face.. Staring at your face, trying to get a better look of your face, deep inside, wished that your sight will be on me too.. Trying to be understanding, in the process, understood a lot more.. You can see and feel a lot more when you're in the shadows.. You can hear more when there's silence.. You understood more hints when it's quiet.. You can feel a lot more with your heart and hurt more if its empty.. Empty not because there's nothing inside.. But because of what you understood..

Why do I cry don't even want to.. I thought I was only being called a crybaby when I was a little girl.. Now its just like the tap to the tears supply has broken.. Can no longer control it.. I just can't be happy.. Can't be me.. Now the girl you know, is not me.. The real me is not like this.. Is not a crybaby.. In fact is a chatterbox, is a cheerful and happy girl.. Look at this stupid girl now.. All she know now is doing the wrong things and keep crying.. And that's all she knows how to do.. Cause she had lost everything.. Including herself..

This girl walked on the streets, her old friends can't even recognize her. Cause she had became a totally different person. Someone of totally opposite personality. She's trying to retrieve back the reason to live.. Her reason for living.. She wanted to do a lot of things, don't know why all those things are just so hard to do.. It seems easy but just keep failing.. Do dreams even come true at all..

Behind the clouds - Brad Paisley
When you're feeling lonely, lost and let down
Seems like those dark skies are following you around
And life's just one big shade of gray
You wonder if you'll see the light of day

Behind the clouds, the sun is shining
Believe me even though you can't quite make it out
You may not see the silver lining
But there's a big blue sky waiting just behind the clouds

I've heard it said that this too shall pass
Good times or bad times, neither one lasts
But thinking that your luck won't ever change
Is like thinking it won't ever stop once it starts to rain

Behind the clouds, the sun is shining
Believe me even though you can't quite make it out
You may not see the silver lining
But there's a big blue sky waiting just behind the clouds
Yeah, there's a big blue sky waiting just behind the clouds

I shall try to believe this for awhile.. Don't know how long can I last.. My body is breaking apart.. If dreams come true, it means that the dreams that I had about me dying will come true too right? Maybe then, you can finally willing to take a good look of my face..

craps

And I thought everything will be okay. But I was wrong. Very wrong. It wasn't right at all. What does all these supposed to mean? I hate playing all these mind games.. Its so dumb and not fun at all.

I really don't want to care anymore. I don't want to know about it. I'm tired of getting hurt.. What I want is really that simple.. Yet so hard to achieve.. I guess its too much that I'm asking for..

If that's what you wanted, I'll grant your wish.

just like any other

And I thought I wouldn't get a chance to cry again. Sigh.

One word. Tired.

My head hurts.. Sigh..

I'm going to make a movie with sims 3! Wonder if I'm gonna be successful.. Hope I will :) Then at least I'll have something to do during the holidays if I'm not working..

untitled

Okie.. I'm not at home now so I can't really update on my so outdated school life, but then.. Last week, when I did alot of wrong things during service operation, I thought I'll flunk that entire week,however, during debrief on Friday, chef said that we all got As! Either a low A or high A. Does it matter? Not really.. Since its still A.

3 more weeks to go before commis challenge, end sems test and not to mention holidays.. Looking forward to it? Nah. I still wanna enjoy more.. Of the food actually.. Haha. But next sems we'll be having wine & beverage so its not that bad.. Let's just hope I'm not in the wrong list of ahem. If not, that whole sems at service side will = GONE.